Long time no see.

I’m not sure why but I feel compelled to write about some things which have been going through my mind, not just about any random thing but I suppose you can get the gist of the subject after reading.

It’s been clear to me that I can get depressed a bit too easily sometimes, maybe too often aswell for my own good or for others to feel like I’m a happy enough person to hang around. It’s not something I want to expect to feel after every time I’m out with my friends be it clubbing or a party, which makes me feel all the more awkward when I do. After all I want to enjoy the time I spend with people, it’s been my objective this summer to be out with as many of my friends as often as I can so I have a plethora of memories and happy times to look back on.

I used to go through times where I got depressed for no reason at all, it would just creep up on me without warning. Didn’t feel good either that my Mum would repeatedly wonder if I was alright when I came back from school depressed despite nothing necessarily bad having happened to me that day. Admittedly there were times though college where those days would come back to haunt me, but I feel I have managed to escape the worst of those a while ago.

As pathetic as the following may sound, more often than not I felt that it was this underlying feeling of loneliness I seem to have follow me around that causes me to feel down. I shouldn’t do really, I have plenty of good friends who are there for me and a good family. Back in secondary school it was this loneliness combined with how unpopular I seemed to be that made me appreciative of any acts of kindness or conversation that I got from people, especially girls. That itself might not have been good for me, as for every girl that would regularly talk to and/or be nice to me I would hope that they liked me enough to want to be my girlfriend and of course I was mistaken in every case I had of it.

Once again I kind of feel like I’ve perhaps had that sort of experience happen to me through college and perhaps still am now, that in trying to ignore how many couples I happen to be around that I would wander what it would be like to be in a relationship with certain girls I know or want to get to know. But a good friend of mine said to me online recently that “I should remember when being nice is just being nice”, and I keep in mind what she said as a sort of wake-up call.

Speaking of clubbing though I have actually been out clubbing for the first time recently and what a night that was, it was great to be out in that kind of atmosphere with my friends and I hope to be out again soon. I was left with some questions though, part way through the night a mutual friend of mine and the people I was with at the nightclub joined us on the dancefloor and we were all happy to see her. Over time her and I got dancing together and we got close, now I don’t know if that’s just normal etiquette in that environment or whether she was enjoying dancing with me, and she was looking at me in a certain way which almost said “well what are you waiting for?”. But then shortly after I discovered she had found another guy to dance with and get close to so I was left wondering if I had just missed an opportunity.

Apologies though if through what I have said I either come across as desperate or ungentlemanly, it’s just like I mentioned earlier in that I am grateful for any sort of contact or attention a girl gives me and in the spirit of the saying “life is for living” that I should perhaps make the most of an opportunity rather than be left like I was thinking about what could have been.

Putting what I have said aside, there is one girl who I know that I really do like at the moment. I can hardly find the words to describe how amazing she is, to me she has the likeness of an angel, one of the sweetest hearts you’ll ever find and well whenever I’m around her she makes me very happy indeed. Though I’m unsure if she knows this, even though I have sent her a message to her inbox confessing how I feel for her but perhaps she either doesn’t check it or has read it but doesn’t want to do anything about it.

I don’t think I have anything else I can say, apart from thankyou for reading.

P.S. If you noticed the names in the tags section, think carefully if you try to match them to what I've typed

Current song playing: Jonathan Coulton- Drinking With You

"My heart stops in a panic, when I think of how it would feel to finally hold your hand"


My oh my, we haven't seen eachother for a few weeks now have we blogger?

I have to say though it has been a good weekend for me, I mean a dinner out with my great friends can only be a good thing and it certainly was. A steak, conversations and great Sex (On The Beach) combined with a bit of Blackjack was a lovely meal. If a bit expensive.

Tell you what got a great chance to burn it off acting nonchalantly in the park and running off towards the station to catch the last train home, well not me personally but it would have been rude to let them run off by themselves into the dark. The stitch was worth it. Also as if my night couldn't get any better a little 'love-in' shall we call it was a lively end to the night, Imi being the main benefactor I would think =] (hello there if you're reading this, you're not the only one who hasn't blogged for a while it would seem).

So thankyou for inviting me, the start to that day wasn't exactly great and I was stuck with Maths papers to do which is as we know is a great way to cure my depression(!) Seriously though I really want to thank all of you for a great night. Possible lack of funds maybe not allowing us to do it as often as we'd like, weather permitting.

Alas, that brings me onto tonight/today/11th November 2008.
Thankfully I didn't get sacked, so I'm still in with a job until it gets quiet and overtime becomes unavailable then I'm out of there. It helped a little to raise me out of the currently turbulent mood I'm in, well not exactly turbulent I'd say more brinking on happiness to be talking to the people who mean so much to be/mild depression due to lonliness nearly cried a couple of times today mixed with a little bit of tired. That and chats I've had with Fia over the days http://horrendousblah.wordpress.com/ for proof of that.

I shouldn't feel like this really, I mean an iffy mood doesn't help when I'm trying to do Physics work, it's just a little bit pathetic of me to feel lonely. I've been through it all in my head several times but it's still there, the cowering man sitting opposite to the frustrated man slamming his fists on the table telling him to get over himself.

I thought there were a couple of avenues open to me but gradually over the past couple of days they slowly got sealed off from me but anyway I shouldn't rant on too much about things I already have. As I read somewhere:

"Don't compromise yourself, You're all you've got".

That should have been my motto throughout secondary school, hell it should be my motto now. It appears I can find a way to gradually screw myself over at ever stage of my life, even if I can't see it happening at the time.

There were a few comforting moments to help ease me out of my mood, mainly hugs if I'm honest courtesy of Jess and, well I'm going to put a little revelation here. The person I've written under the pseudonym 'her' in my labels section is Cat, and I don't know if it's my place to say this but just the hug and that you asked if I felt ok was comforting beyond belief for me today. It felt like something great that I hadn't felt for some time just rushed up to greet me again and it was wonderful. As for Jess well it is always marvellous to be able to hug you, makes me smile more often than not, but I'll always have this feeling that I'm not the first guy you'd go to for a hug, but that's my problem not yours.

I guess that's all I have to say for now, apologies for upsetting the probably >4 readers I still have on this thing with my less-than-perky return.

Oh and another revelation I think worth sharing, this is to you Fia if you still remember it.

The Emerald Lady was you, I only just realised it.