Current song playing: Robbie Williams- Better Man

"As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame"

I've had something going through my mind recently, due to my own faults I'm too nervouse to say this directly to you so I shall say it here.

I have been through many thought process and one of them led me to this realisation, recently I had grown to like you more in a way than I normally do. I found so many things to admire about you and you were more often than not the reason for me smiling, but of course I now feel bad for doing so not only for obvious commitments but for how I nearly thought I had someone to guide me through a hardship in my life.

Of course now though gravity forces me back through the tunnel out to the other side again every time I reach the light so now I am forced to try again alone.

Thinking about it though it may in a strange way not be such a coincidence I've found it harder to talk to you than normal and being the fool I am I say the wrong things to try and make it better, so I'll just accept maybe I'm being kept away to prevent my foolish nature what is now a great set of circumstances for you which you have been long owed for some time now.

So anyway this is it, I can only hope you are not angered or confused by this and I can only hope for us to stay the good friends we've been (at least I hope we have) we have been and I wish for your happiness to continue.

Goodnight.

Current song playing: Gilbert O'Sullivan- Alone Again, Naturally

"It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world that can’t be mended

Left unattended

What do we do?

What do we do?"

Here I am again with another post, deary me.

Today was, well interesting would be a good word for it. Started off well enough but gradually throughout the day some realisms came to me that kept me planted on planet Earth.

I felt alone today if I'm honest, which is a cruel irony seeing as I was surrounded by good friends and I wouldn't have wanted to do anything else today than hang with them, but I couldn't help but just think of pairs everywhere and sudden revelations that made me feel guilty of actions that I may have been best not to have done in the knowledge that I had this evening.

Tell you what though I was very glad not to be abandoned to endure half an hour of standing in the pouring rain waiting for my bus to take me home, I would have probably gotten really down after doing that.

Had a few primary thoughts run across me tonight, mainly how in the grander scheme of things for people to be happy my happiness has to be paid off. I've seen so many things and had so many things happen to me that ultimately end with me feeling bad so that others can feel happy so it must be the status quo or something. Faith as a whole has never been my forte, I've never really believed in my ability to do near enough anything either due to low self-esteem or just a general lack of being able to do it.

The following is probably going to sound idiotic. I've been fortunate enough to have made brilliant friends, people who have fought to keep me happy in my most depressing days and who take the time to make simple gestures to make me feel better. I have a decent enough life what with the money I earn and the stuff I'm priveliged to own but I can't help but feel that something is a bit off. People I have met online or in person tell me of the great qualities of a person that I am and I've been flattered to hear it but in spite of all this I haven't felt much like I'm trusted as a person.

There must be something I'm doing wrong, something about the way I think/talk or actions I have commited that people find unsavoury about my demeanour. Something must be justifying what has gone wrong in my life and what I find hard to achieve where others have glided effortlessly, and I have spent a fair amount of my life trying to figure out what it is.

You know what I need?

I need someone to get inside my head, give me an outside perspective on who I am and what makes me do what I do because clearly I am useless at trying to do that myself. So I must apologise for this post perhaps being the most incompetent piece of self-doubting pessimistic dribble you've ever read as it seems clear to me I don't know how to work myself out.

So to sum me up I'm a driver who can't work a car, the loudmouth who doesn't know how to shut up and the man who won't stop fighting the losing battle.

Anyhoos I may end up regretting the posting of this blog but I want to finish with a quote a dear friend of mine sent to me:

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." ~Daniel L. Reardon

P.S. I'm sorry.

Current song playing: Coldplay- X&Y

"Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan

When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can"

My this blog has gone cold from neglect, I shall aim to warm it some more with a nice cup of Jasmine tea...shall have to pop back to the Steyning Tea Houses...maybe take someone with me *ponders*

Anyway I haven't really had anything significant to blog about recently and thus not felt like wasting peoples time by typing dribble but tonight fingers have come to keys and after talking to people (both meaning a lot to me) I've felt compelled to write.

I've been doubting myself recently, a lot in fact. I've grown nervous around the people who mean the most to me not only in person but online and not knowing what to type to keep them interested and having the confidence to type/talk slowly shrink away into seclusion or a feeling of "they wouldn't want to talk to me anyways".

I got shown some videos by someone recently and aside from being interesting in the way of showing how big space is and having some incredibly large figures, it made me think a little but probably not what I was supposed to. I doubted myself again to my worth as a person or to other's time even though it was supposed to make me feel great about myself and I apologise to Lizzie for not being as upbeat as I was supposed to be and being a pessimist toward myself.

Having getting over the nervousness of talking to people and trying to get conversations going though proved slightly easier for me recently as they've actually made me feel better just by talking to me and making me think that maybe I am interesting enough to make their time spent talking to me worthwhile.

What I have found the most confusing personally is when I try and explain my doubts or weird feelings I stumble and think to myself "I don't actually know" so it then gets me thinking as to why the hell I am thinking all this and that I should just grow up and be happy with what I have, yet I've not the will-power to do so it would seem.

Nonetheless I guess it's been a mental "what-the-hell" type thing going on for me but I just want to extend some thanks for some little things that have been good for me recently:

To Fia: For the walks in the woods, the chats online about many goods & all the laughs we had
To Lizzie: For the reassuring beliefs, the consoling of my griefs & the cute dp of an orange
To her: For simply responding, to leave me wondering, of when we will meet again.

Sleep well my friends.