Current song playing: Coldplay- Lost!

"Just because I'm hurting,

Doesn't mean I'm hurt,

Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved,

No better than the worst,

I just got lost,

At every river that I tried to cross,

And every door I ever tried was locked,

Oh and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off"

I don't think I've used that song before, apologies if I already have.

You know, I've been thinking *groans from the audience, odd one or two walks out*, and rather spontaneously I managed to find a rather good analogy for how I deal with life. Maybe my humble abode of readers may like it too.

Think of my life as driving a rally course at full speed with an arm tied behind your back, sounds bizarre I know I thought so too but bear with me.

Said tie I believe is this faulty circuit of a mind that I have, a sort of limiting factor perhaps, useful for something but not always the best thing to have in important situations such as the rally course. Onlookers will be amazed as the sheer audacity of it, maybe get the wrong impression and see it as a daft search for attention and nothing will ever be achieved through it so they pass the driver by.

So because of the limiting factor I have to drive slow I guess, so that I can make sense of my surroundings and prepare myself for the onslaught of hazards being thrown my way one after another they come. I have to drive slow not only due to the course's hazards but so I can protect my co-driver. Everything and everyone that is important to me, my guiding light who without would leave me a hapless and hopeless wreck. Of course I have to drive slow for them, if I didn't all I'd do is cause them harm, lose tham and ruin the course for all the recklessness things I've done, and where would that get me?

But then again, my co-driver spurs me on, "go faster, we can win this!" they say, I have faith in them but I can't bring myself to speed up. What if I lose control? If I go too fast I'll lose everything, but if I go too slow I'd be letting them down and I wouldn't be able to make something of myself. And so this leaves me confused, stuck between two conflicting characteristics. The racer, or the cruiser?

So here I am, at the start line once again, can I grow so that I can break free to the ties holding me back or will I just lose all drive?

The start lights are counting down...

Current song playing: Coldplay- Talk

"So you don't know where you're going

But you want to talk

And you feel like you're going where you've been before

You'll tell anyone who will listen but you feel ignored

Nothing's really making any sense at all

Let's talk, Let's talk"


Nothing really important to mention here, feeling dissapointed but I won't go into that, I just felt like doing Lizzie's literary challenge.


As is the standard I'll highlight the randomly selected words in italics, so here below stands by poem...

Expressing my thoughts is not my forte
I find it too challenging
The troubles I have to find the right words
They just keep on duplicating

When I speak from the heart
I find it hard not to mumble
Could be lack of self-esteem, or just about anything
It always leads me to crumble

"I feel like my heart is on life support"
To myself I once said
Every so often with brief hope it rebuilds itself
Only to be broken again along with the hope once in my head
All this leads is to is for people to derive

That my emotions are too wild
In a social world I cannot survive
Their observations often match my own

On my own...it's what I always am isn't it?

There you go, it was a depressing poem I know but it was all I could do with this.

Hope I haven't ruined your day.

Current song playing: Coldplay- X&Y

"Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan

When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can"

My this blog has gone cold from neglect, I shall aim to warm it some more with a nice cup of Jasmine tea...shall have to pop back to the Steyning Tea Houses...maybe take someone with me *ponders*

Anyway I haven't really had anything significant to blog about recently and thus not felt like wasting peoples time by typing dribble but tonight fingers have come to keys and after talking to people (both meaning a lot to me) I've felt compelled to write.

I've been doubting myself recently, a lot in fact. I've grown nervous around the people who mean the most to me not only in person but online and not knowing what to type to keep them interested and having the confidence to type/talk slowly shrink away into seclusion or a feeling of "they wouldn't want to talk to me anyways".

I got shown some videos by someone recently and aside from being interesting in the way of showing how big space is and having some incredibly large figures, it made me think a little but probably not what I was supposed to. I doubted myself again to my worth as a person or to other's time even though it was supposed to make me feel great about myself and I apologise to Lizzie for not being as upbeat as I was supposed to be and being a pessimist toward myself.

Having getting over the nervousness of talking to people and trying to get conversations going though proved slightly easier for me recently as they've actually made me feel better just by talking to me and making me think that maybe I am interesting enough to make their time spent talking to me worthwhile.

What I have found the most confusing personally is when I try and explain my doubts or weird feelings I stumble and think to myself "I don't actually know" so it then gets me thinking as to why the hell I am thinking all this and that I should just grow up and be happy with what I have, yet I've not the will-power to do so it would seem.

Nonetheless I guess it's been a mental "what-the-hell" type thing going on for me but I just want to extend some thanks for some little things that have been good for me recently:

To Fia: For the walks in the woods, the chats online about many goods & all the laughs we had
To Lizzie: For the reassuring beliefs, the consoling of my griefs & the cute dp of an orange
To her: For simply responding, to leave me wondering, of when we will meet again.

Sleep well my friends.