Current song playing: Kaiser Chiefs- Try Your Best

"So try your best

And think about it later

Or you will never know"

Good evening on this blustery cold (summers?) evening.

Despite the weather conditions in Brighton being on a par with the monsoon that was the last time we went down there I enjoyed myself a fair bit more I have to be honest.

Didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked but weather didn't help but batteries are being great at losing their charge within hoursn, with minimal usage, of being removed from the bosom that is the National Grid. But I digress.

I'll list down the highlights here as I find it easier to remember somehow but feel free to ask more about it, would love someone to talk to right now.

• Musing with Gav on my steel drum from Antuiga, working on how to work out how to play songs on it which should be great. He recommended I try being the drummer on a game called "Rock Band" too which I look forward to trying.
• Somehow fitting into the Brighton scene even whilst wearing my black-and-white-hat-shaped-no-eyed-spider of a ski hat.
• Trying to take pictures of us on the escalators in Primark.
• Savouring the taste of Mountain Dew.
• Watching a guy in "Oddballs" completely master the yo-yo and diabolo right in front of Dex and Gav while they watched on in awe mixed with shame (:P)
• Meeting and acquiring a delightful small rubber ducky named Jasmine (due to eyelashes).
• The hugs ^^.
• Seeing the self-titled Boop and Koop dressed up in skinny jeans and corsets, they looked rather fetching =] (in a im-not-trying-to-flirt-with-peoples-girlfriends-just-complimenting-their-looks kind of way *phew*)
• Going barefoot into the water with Lizzie and Shelle even though the beach was pointy of my feet (no needles don't worry)
• Watching Hannah go hyper on Mountain Dew.
• Finding caramel chews in dice containers with Japanese caligrophy on them...for 30p!
• Running after Shelle to get her onto the train in time for home.
• Finding a post which had a poem written in a sprial downwards so I read it, out loud whilst spinning round it and inadvertedly getting in loads of peoples ways. Quite funny looking from where Gav and Lizzie were standing, especially with my hat =]

Anyway if any of the people who went to Brighton with me (Fia/Lizzie/Shelle/Cat/Boop/Dex/Gav/Matt/Hannah/Imi/Cathy/Gemma) then feel free to share them with me be it in picture form or not =]

See you soon my friends.

Current song playing: Coldplay- Talk

"So you don't know where you're going

But you want to talk

And you feel like you're going where you've been before

You'll tell anyone who will listen but you feel ignored

Nothing's really making any sense at all

Let's talk, Let's talk"


Nothing really important to mention here, feeling dissapointed but I won't go into that, I just felt like doing Lizzie's literary challenge.


As is the standard I'll highlight the randomly selected words in italics, so here below stands by poem...

Expressing my thoughts is not my forte
I find it too challenging
The troubles I have to find the right words
They just keep on duplicating

When I speak from the heart
I find it hard not to mumble
Could be lack of self-esteem, or just about anything
It always leads me to crumble

"I feel like my heart is on life support"
To myself I once said
Every so often with brief hope it rebuilds itself
Only to be broken again along with the hope once in my head
All this leads is to is for people to derive

That my emotions are too wild
In a social world I cannot survive
Their observations often match my own

On my own...it's what I always am isn't it?

There you go, it was a depressing poem I know but it was all I could do with this.

Hope I haven't ruined your day.

Current song playing: Robbie Williams- Better Man

"As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame"

I've had something going through my mind recently, due to my own faults I'm too nervouse to say this directly to you so I shall say it here.

I have been through many thought process and one of them led me to this realisation, recently I had grown to like you more in a way than I normally do. I found so many things to admire about you and you were more often than not the reason for me smiling, but of course I now feel bad for doing so not only for obvious commitments but for how I nearly thought I had someone to guide me through a hardship in my life.

Of course now though gravity forces me back through the tunnel out to the other side again every time I reach the light so now I am forced to try again alone.

Thinking about it though it may in a strange way not be such a coincidence I've found it harder to talk to you than normal and being the fool I am I say the wrong things to try and make it better, so I'll just accept maybe I'm being kept away to prevent my foolish nature what is now a great set of circumstances for you which you have been long owed for some time now.

So anyway this is it, I can only hope you are not angered or confused by this and I can only hope for us to stay the good friends we've been (at least I hope we have) we have been and I wish for your happiness to continue.

Goodnight.

Current song playing: Gilbert O'Sullivan- Alone Again, Naturally

"It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world that can’t be mended

Left unattended

What do we do?

What do we do?"

Here I am again with another post, deary me.

Today was, well interesting would be a good word for it. Started off well enough but gradually throughout the day some realisms came to me that kept me planted on planet Earth.

I felt alone today if I'm honest, which is a cruel irony seeing as I was surrounded by good friends and I wouldn't have wanted to do anything else today than hang with them, but I couldn't help but just think of pairs everywhere and sudden revelations that made me feel guilty of actions that I may have been best not to have done in the knowledge that I had this evening.

Tell you what though I was very glad not to be abandoned to endure half an hour of standing in the pouring rain waiting for my bus to take me home, I would have probably gotten really down after doing that.

Had a few primary thoughts run across me tonight, mainly how in the grander scheme of things for people to be happy my happiness has to be paid off. I've seen so many things and had so many things happen to me that ultimately end with me feeling bad so that others can feel happy so it must be the status quo or something. Faith as a whole has never been my forte, I've never really believed in my ability to do near enough anything either due to low self-esteem or just a general lack of being able to do it.

The following is probably going to sound idiotic. I've been fortunate enough to have made brilliant friends, people who have fought to keep me happy in my most depressing days and who take the time to make simple gestures to make me feel better. I have a decent enough life what with the money I earn and the stuff I'm priveliged to own but I can't help but feel that something is a bit off. People I have met online or in person tell me of the great qualities of a person that I am and I've been flattered to hear it but in spite of all this I haven't felt much like I'm trusted as a person.

There must be something I'm doing wrong, something about the way I think/talk or actions I have commited that people find unsavoury about my demeanour. Something must be justifying what has gone wrong in my life and what I find hard to achieve where others have glided effortlessly, and I have spent a fair amount of my life trying to figure out what it is.

You know what I need?

I need someone to get inside my head, give me an outside perspective on who I am and what makes me do what I do because clearly I am useless at trying to do that myself. So I must apologise for this post perhaps being the most incompetent piece of self-doubting pessimistic dribble you've ever read as it seems clear to me I don't know how to work myself out.

So to sum me up I'm a driver who can't work a car, the loudmouth who doesn't know how to shut up and the man who won't stop fighting the losing battle.

Anyhoos I may end up regretting the posting of this blog but I want to finish with a quote a dear friend of mine sent to me:

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." ~Daniel L. Reardon

P.S. I'm sorry.

Current song playing: Coldplay- X&Y

"Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan

When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can"

My this blog has gone cold from neglect, I shall aim to warm it some more with a nice cup of Jasmine tea...shall have to pop back to the Steyning Tea Houses...maybe take someone with me *ponders*

Anyway I haven't really had anything significant to blog about recently and thus not felt like wasting peoples time by typing dribble but tonight fingers have come to keys and after talking to people (both meaning a lot to me) I've felt compelled to write.

I've been doubting myself recently, a lot in fact. I've grown nervous around the people who mean the most to me not only in person but online and not knowing what to type to keep them interested and having the confidence to type/talk slowly shrink away into seclusion or a feeling of "they wouldn't want to talk to me anyways".

I got shown some videos by someone recently and aside from being interesting in the way of showing how big space is and having some incredibly large figures, it made me think a little but probably not what I was supposed to. I doubted myself again to my worth as a person or to other's time even though it was supposed to make me feel great about myself and I apologise to Lizzie for not being as upbeat as I was supposed to be and being a pessimist toward myself.

Having getting over the nervousness of talking to people and trying to get conversations going though proved slightly easier for me recently as they've actually made me feel better just by talking to me and making me think that maybe I am interesting enough to make their time spent talking to me worthwhile.

What I have found the most confusing personally is when I try and explain my doubts or weird feelings I stumble and think to myself "I don't actually know" so it then gets me thinking as to why the hell I am thinking all this and that I should just grow up and be happy with what I have, yet I've not the will-power to do so it would seem.

Nonetheless I guess it's been a mental "what-the-hell" type thing going on for me but I just want to extend some thanks for some little things that have been good for me recently:

To Fia: For the walks in the woods, the chats online about many goods & all the laughs we had
To Lizzie: For the reassuring beliefs, the consoling of my griefs & the cute dp of an orange
To her: For simply responding, to leave me wondering, of when we will meet again.

Sleep well my friends.

Current song playing: The Killers- Romeo And Juliet

"I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV

And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be

I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you

Can't do anything except be in love with you



And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be"





I had a couple of odd dreams recently, one involving Lizzie and the other the cast of Top Gear...probably best you don't ask about these as I'm issuing an advance warning of possible disturbance.

Anyway now for something I've come to realise this week, I'm losing hope.


If it's now increasingly likely I'll ever be able to speak to her again then hell will freeze, thaw and refreeze before I can have anything romantic with her. I'm living in the past, I'm scared to turn to the future and I'm constantly relating myself to a simple Dr Who quote I saw in the finale:

"So what about you Doctor, all those friends you've got?"..."They've all got someone else now"



Alas I have to put out a mention to Fia, yet again she has been able to make me feel better what with her uplifiting demeanour and her frantic typing at the end of conversations trying to get down all she wants to say and my sneaky attempts at keeping her from going to bed so she can keep me smiling for that extra minute. Selfish I know, will have to get her that ice-cream I owe her as an apology gift.

Speaking of Fia I should probably end this blog with something uplifting...well it'll be uplifting for some and for others distinctly average.

Upon the arrival of July 12th the fantastic Fia and the sincere Steph kindly partnered me to the Goodwood Festival of Speed and I can honeslty say it was the best one I have ever been to simply because they were there with me. I've never been able to openly act in my automotive interests with people before, sure there are thousands of other people there too but apart from my Dad I've never been able to share my world with people like this before. So a most sincere thankyou to the both of you and now here are the moments from that day that I look back on kindest:

• Going "shopping" with Fia and Steph round the racecar model shops.
• Trying the A1GP pit-stop challenge with Dad.
• Talking to Alan McNish and finding out he was tired of journalists over-hyping the Le Mans battle between Audi (which he drove for) and Peugeot and thought Peugeot were going to win.
• Finding out both Alan and I love a good mocha.
• Battling the walk up the hill to crossing 6 with them both.
• Watching the tiny windscreen wipers on the tank go crazy.
• Waving umbrellas about to help Dad find me, much to photographer's displeasure.
• Seeing Fia get awe-struck by the Airbus A380.
• The three of us egging eachother on to get Sir Stirling Moss' autograph.
• Getting Sir Stirling Moss to sign a copy of Ian Fleming's "Live And Let Die".
• Watching Fia and Steph dive into a pile of bean bags at the Honda stand.
• Sitting on the Honda F1-liveried lawnmower with Steph.
• Fia giving Steph a ride in a Honda Civic Type-R, Fia being the driver of course, and having a laugh.
• The bumpy ride in the tractor shuttles up and down from the rally stage
• Being interviewed by the online Race of Champions TV crew about my opinions on it being hosted in Wembley.
• Running about the supercar display taking pictures just as the cars were preparing to do their runs up the hill.
• Getting a text from Fia giving me subtle clues as to where she was sitting in the supercar paddock.
• Getting a text from Fia saying "Look up" and literally looking up at the sky when they were right next to me on the wall, then getting a text saying "By the cafe we're not that ruddy tall!". Good laugh that was.
• Playing with the cavemen from Wacky Races's hair.
• Trying to get Steph and Fia noticed on the TV camera up by the rally stage with me.
• Driving an XBOX game on a stand where the seat was too low and the TV screen angles so the clouds reflected off the screen therefore not being able to see where you were going, not good when the steering wheel was nearly falling off the table and possibly explaining why the steering was so light. But fun to see Steph and Fia having a go and me giving them directions.
• Walking straight past Fia and Steph (literally) whilst trying to find them in the paddock...several times.
• Fia singing the Bugatti Veyron's praises, and me complimenting the Pur Sang edition.
• Fia and I taking pictures of eachother with her SLR camera whilst waiting for Steph to finish in the lavatory.
• The minimal traffic in and out of the event.
• Steph and I walking Fia to and from her house up to my Dad's car.
• Steph and I endlessly stroking Fia's face as it was so soft.
• Me walking arm in arm with Fia on my right and Steph on my left through the Style-et-Luxe past a James Bond car display with big band music in the background. I'll treasure that moment most for a very long time. "Well looks like you really CAN live like a spy and get the girls".

Anyway that's all I can remember for now, if I remember anything more I'll add it in a later date.

But I should probably take Fia's advice from 2 hours ago and go to bed.

I'll see you soon.

Current song playing: Coldplay- Everything's Not Lost

"So if you ever feel neglected, and you think that all is lost, I'll be counting up my demons, hoping everything's not lost"

I can't believe the weekend I had, so many good things happened it was an incredibly great experience, probably what I needed after recent social events had left me confused, nervous and apprehensive for a while. But anyway enough of that, I have a story to tell...

Saturday morning was the turn of my theory test for my driving. Got 49/50 for multiple choice and 61/75 for hazard perception so that equated to one hell of a pass! Nearly had my test cancelled by the DSA as I had left the photocard part of my provisional driving license at home but Dad was kind enough to get it for me. Fast-forward the day an hour or so and I had managed to get back to Horsham in time to play football in the park as usual, and what's more is the team I was in won the game so an added benefit of the day. Fast-forward the day again and after the British Grand Prix I had recieved confirmation that I was allowed to go to the British Grand Prix with my Dad! More details on that later.

Upon watching Doctor Who in the evening I wasn't really struck by the finale, it solved the answers of the previous episode cliffhanger but that's pretty much all it did. The using-the-hand-to-keep-Tennant-the-same was a bit of a cop-out of Mr Davies' part and didn't do him justice as to some of the good episodes he has written have done. However was glad that Donna no longer plays a role in the programme, I shan't rant about this too long but she was the most rubbish companion in the history of Dr Who. Enough said. Also glad to see no sudden burst of what will start this years Christmas special, the plot was best left with him just adjusting to life on his own again. Was a bit rubbish to see the entire mass of associates he had collected all forced to go seperate ways, especially Rose but we all knew what the Doctor said to her on Bad Wolf Bay now don't we?

Anyway, Sunday beckoned me profusely as it was the day of the 2008 Santander British Grand Prix, I had to get up early so that I was able to get to the circuit in time. The reason why I was allowed to the Grand Prix was that I was to join my Dad as part of Cabair staff, I got up early so that I would travel with my Dad to the circuit and help out when it came to flying the customers in and out of the circuit for the Grand Prix. Thus in turn allowing me to get into Silverstone for FREE. That's right, I paid nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Once the customers had gotten where they wanted to (Vernon Kay and Tess Daly being notable guests), we were taxi-ed down to a clubhouse/cafe place (which had a free-vending hot drinks machine, made use of that with a mocha) next to Bridge where there was a perfect vantage point where the ground was risen up to build the road over the bridge. Uninterrupted views of Maggots/Beckets and turning around gave views of the run down to Stowe so plenty of overtaking opportunities ready for recording.

Even when the cars were on the warm-up lap the noise was just amazing, you could sense how the engines were longing to be put to full pace and when they were...it's just phenomenal. Never have I actually felt something inside my ears upon hearing something, it says a lot about the sheer power of the engines, just makes me want to have gone to a Grand Prix back when they had 3-litre V10's that weren't rev-limited and were the pinnacle of engine development in worldwide motorsport. Anyway below is a link to a montage video I took of the weekend:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s41Ou03VaI

The race itself was incredibly eventful, Lewis Hamilton finishing an epic 68-odd seconds before second-placed Nick Heidfeld and Rubens Barrichello taking a well-deserved 3rd for Honda. What's more is that Massa spun at least 5 times (with some jeering from the crowd) and Raikonnen making a poor decision to stay on his first stint tyres and losing around 40 seconds to Hamilton. Good to see Ferrari getting this kind of race happen to them after all the help they've gotten from the FIA recently. Mark Webber unfortunately again couldn't capitalise on a front-row start and spun on the hangar straight on the first lap ultimately causing him to finish outside of the points. It made the wind and the rain so worth it to have gone to my first British Grand Prix with a British driver winning in a British car and I went for free. Can't get many better motor-racing experiences than that without driving.

I originally started at Bridge then with my Dad and his colleagues we walked down to Stowe before finishing at Copse to watch the end of the race. It was great to see Hamilton waving at the fans while they cheered, you could even hear them cheering at the start/finish straight there were so many of them. What was funny was that when I was at Bridge I was standing near a small group of raging Ferrari fans so to see them get all excited when Raikonnen closed up to Hamilton only to see Ferrari screw up their strategy so that showed them what was what.

After the race had finished we were taxi-ed back up to the marquees up by Abbey to get Cabair customers back out of the circuit so they could go home and I was instructed to tell the staff which of our designated helicopters were landing in certain bays by listening to radio transmissions from the control tower at Silverstone (121.075Hz I think the frequency was). That went well and then out of the blue I was told that I may have to get a helicopter out of the circuit so I was suddenly very nervous, it's hard enough for me to jump out of a tree from a branch no higher than my height as it is let alone ride in a helicopter. Unfortunately for me, while I was frantically pacing up and down the marquee, it dawned on me that it was this or walk. I had no idea which direction to go in either and it was raning so I had to take my vertigo like a man and just get in the helicopter and hope the flight is as short as possible.

So I walked out of the marquee at a crouch as I was adamant that I was not to go anywhere near the rotors than is sensible, and I was bundled into the front seat so I was to get a panoramic view throughout the trip. Not too bad then. So as we ascended I video-ed the view as to prove to myself (or other people) I was capable of remaining in relative calm at over head height. I got a pretty good view of the circuit and could see the entire layout of the track. What I actually found interesting was while flying that the rain streamed across the windshield in a rather elegant fashion, but I should point out that from ascent to descent my left hand would not let go of a coasthanger-thing above me to my left whether I told it to or not. Couple of other things that worried me about the trip was the window was vibrating tremendously while in flight and the fact that as I was sitting in the front passenger seat that of course I was next to all the controls, including a bid red button labelled "KILL SWITCH". That unnerved me a lot knowing what that button does and having it near me.

Nonetheless after getting over the silly amounts of tilting that the pilot was doing in the air the descent back to where Dad's car was parked went smoothly and I got out safely too. I made a point of telling Dad that I was still a petrolhead and that my preferred method of transport would always be the car. Flew over the Red Bull Racing F1 factory which could have been an insight to a future workplace if my plans go well.

A final highlight of the trip would be living the classic cliche of having swans (thankyou Fia for correcting me, I originally thought they were geese) cross the road in front of me when me and Dad were driving past the Nissan factory next to where my Dad works.

So yeah quite a weekend and I do hope I haven't bored you at all reading this.

And if you're reading this then remember I still love you, I'm sorry if it inconveniences you but I just can't help this.

Fare thee well.