Current song playing: 4Music presents Coldplay

It's been a while since I wrote a post about a dream I had but I thought a dream I had a couple of nights ago would be worth writing about.

I was sitting in the crowd inside my secondary school's drama hall next to Fia when a performance that we had gone to see together started up. I can't really remember what it was about but I was just enjoying the experience of going to see something with a close friend of mine, then a bit of a surprise occured when Fia stood up and made her way towards the stage which bemused me a little. Oddly though the performers were moving about in a way that they expected Fia to go onto the stage and even the music in the background was building up to a gap where someone would start singing. Surely enough Fia then walked up to the microphone and started singing, and my goodness she was good. I'm not saying this because of personal opinion (even though I bet Fia is a better singer than she makes out to be in real life) because I remember that when she was singing I thought to myself "this is just beautiful". It turned out that she was actually part of the performance all along so that was a pleasant surprise, but it invoked such admiration of her from me when I was listening to her so I waas glad to have enjoyed it.

So anyway that was my dream, hope you all had a good weekend.

If there was a song playing it'd wake my Mum up as it's nearly midnight...

Are you participating in something that is likely to hurt someone?
Well that's open to debate, I'd call it "life", and more often than not I'd say the person most likely to be hurt is me.

Do you really have to be with someone if you are single?
Just because you're single doesn't make it compulsory to get with someone no matter how many people you know are in relationships. It's just getting hard for me a lot of the time having a nearly overwhelming sensation of lonliness creeping over me when I'm trying to enjoy the time I spend around people. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone but as they say beggars can't be choosers.

Does it really matter what you look like?
Bit of an ambiguous question, I've never cared too much on my appearance to others, which is ironic seeing as I'm rather self-concious(sp?) of all my actions and what I say to other people. I've just never felt the need to settle into a specific "style", I see clothes, clothes fit, I buy clothes, as long as it's not pink or yellow I'm fine but that's down to personal preference of colours. Whether there are a lot of people out there willing to judge someone on their fashion sense or whatever appears on their body remains to be seen. Who knows I may just be rambling here.

How many people do you ignore?
I ignore people who I know present me the risk of having them bully me or just those who make me feel bad. I try to get around earlier said lonliness problem by looking away if I see people get intimate, not because I don't like them but so that I can spare myself another afternoon of gradual depression. Frankly I'd prefer not to ignore anyone so I can speak to people and make as many friends as I can.

How often do you make something feel irrelevant?
Sorry I don't quite know how to answer that, probably just me being dumb.

Do you really need to affect other peoples lives?
It's not a question of needing to affect others lives, I'm a rather reserved person and don't really go up to people much that much is a given. But we all affect other peoples lives whether we want to or not, anything we say or do or think affects how we react or feel about people and it's because we're all individuals and there's too many variables in life to try and minimise the effect on other people without completely shutting ourselves off.

Sorry if this has been a waste of your time readers.

Current song playing:...well there isn't one this time.

I actually thought today wa going to be a good day, driving up to college on my own for the first time and having a laugh with friends about Porsche's new "Doppelkupplung". All new and pwerful providing thrust just when you need it.

Then of course it went downhill pretty much from 3pm. After feeling tired for most of the day I ended up getting so depressed I had to spend the first 20 minutes of my Maths lesson in the toilets as I was in tears. To top it off I don't even know why I felt like it, guess I have to officially declare I'm back to how I felt most of the time in secondary school, I hoped this wouldn't happen ever since I met my new great friends.

Still depressed now, don't know whether that's because I was invisible today or not that remains to be seen I guess.

Hope you all have good weekends, I probably won't at this rate.

Current song playing: Jonathan Coulton- Drinking With You

"My heart stops in a panic, when I think of how it would feel to finally hold your hand"


My oh my, we haven't seen eachother for a few weeks now have we blogger?

I have to say though it has been a good weekend for me, I mean a dinner out with my great friends can only be a good thing and it certainly was. A steak, conversations and great Sex (On The Beach) combined with a bit of Blackjack was a lovely meal. If a bit expensive.

Tell you what got a great chance to burn it off acting nonchalantly in the park and running off towards the station to catch the last train home, well not me personally but it would have been rude to let them run off by themselves into the dark. The stitch was worth it. Also as if my night couldn't get any better a little 'love-in' shall we call it was a lively end to the night, Imi being the main benefactor I would think =] (hello there if you're reading this, you're not the only one who hasn't blogged for a while it would seem).

So thankyou for inviting me, the start to that day wasn't exactly great and I was stuck with Maths papers to do which is as we know is a great way to cure my depression(!) Seriously though I really want to thank all of you for a great night. Possible lack of funds maybe not allowing us to do it as often as we'd like, weather permitting.

Alas, that brings me onto tonight/today/11th November 2008.
Thankfully I didn't get sacked, so I'm still in with a job until it gets quiet and overtime becomes unavailable then I'm out of there. It helped a little to raise me out of the currently turbulent mood I'm in, well not exactly turbulent I'd say more brinking on happiness to be talking to the people who mean so much to be/mild depression due to lonliness nearly cried a couple of times today mixed with a little bit of tired. That and chats I've had with Fia over the days http://horrendousblah.wordpress.com/ for proof of that.

I shouldn't feel like this really, I mean an iffy mood doesn't help when I'm trying to do Physics work, it's just a little bit pathetic of me to feel lonely. I've been through it all in my head several times but it's still there, the cowering man sitting opposite to the frustrated man slamming his fists on the table telling him to get over himself.

I thought there were a couple of avenues open to me but gradually over the past couple of days they slowly got sealed off from me but anyway I shouldn't rant on too much about things I already have. As I read somewhere:

"Don't compromise yourself, You're all you've got".

That should have been my motto throughout secondary school, hell it should be my motto now. It appears I can find a way to gradually screw myself over at ever stage of my life, even if I can't see it happening at the time.

There were a few comforting moments to help ease me out of my mood, mainly hugs if I'm honest courtesy of Jess and, well I'm going to put a little revelation here. The person I've written under the pseudonym 'her' in my labels section is Cat, and I don't know if it's my place to say this but just the hug and that you asked if I felt ok was comforting beyond belief for me today. It felt like something great that I hadn't felt for some time just rushed up to greet me again and it was wonderful. As for Jess well it is always marvellous to be able to hug you, makes me smile more often than not, but I'll always have this feeling that I'm not the first guy you'd go to for a hug, but that's my problem not yours.

I guess that's all I have to say for now, apologies for upsetting the probably >4 readers I still have on this thing with my less-than-perky return.

Oh and another revelation I think worth sharing, this is to you Fia if you still remember it.

The Emerald Lady was you, I only just realised it.

Current song playing: Flow- GO!!

"We are Fighting Dreamers, with these best friends
Fighting Dreamers, swallowing up everything
Fighting Dreamers, with high ambitions"

Thought I might just write down some things that have happened to me, now don't worry it's not going to be me moaning and whatnot. Bear with me and you might like reading this.

Yesterday after college had finished I went into town with the Gavner, Muffin and the abolsutely fascinating Fia and we were walking through the park (well Fia was on her bike but I digress) to go into town. Looking at the sky I had one of my ever-occurring moments where I look at the sky and find myself in awe of the cloud patterns in the sky, it was all wispy and smooth, but not only that I also happened to glance at the Sun where I noticed a small glowing orb next to it. Thinking it was just something on my shades manipulating the light I took them off only to find the orb was still there, and what was interesting about it was that it was red on the right side, blue on the left and green in the middle.

Then of course I realised I was fortunate enough to have spotted a 'sun-dog', famous for having appeared either side of the Sun on the circumference of the upside-down rainbow, and of course I stopped to admire it. Never thought I'd be able to see those in real life, and if that wasn't enough when I walked further into the park I saw the other 'sun-dog' aswell. Very glad to have seen that, certainly proved to be a great end to my day aswell as explaining Unforgotten Realms references to Fia with Gav, felt good being considered more entertaining than the actual programme =]

Today also brought about some fanciful scenery for me to admire as I was out driving for my Pass Plus session, which was a big success so I'm quite pleased about that. The fact that it was a glorious sunny day helped a lot to make it literally a beautiful day for me, not a single cloud in the sky. I drove down to Folkstone (I think that's what the place was called) which is near Dover right on the coast and while I was eating my lunch during our break it was calming to look out to the water. Seeing a giant tanker float by in the distance and the little boats in the harbour bob up and down wasn't too bad either.

When I was driving back up from Folkstone a load of clouds had decided to crash the party, but thankfully they created some interesting shapes. The best shape I saw was nearly the exact rendition of the head of a dragon Fia once drew and it didn't look out of place floating in the sky, growing ever larger the further along the motorway I went. Later on towards the end of my session I was driving through Sevenoaks and a village called "Seal", yes that's right, where seeing as it's autumn time of course all the leaves are taking charity parachute jumps out of their trees, so when I was going thorugh the country lanes there was a swirl of green/yellow/brown surrounding me and I just couldn't help but think how pretty it all looked.

So alas that will be the end of my tale, apologies if I weirded you out or made no sense at all but I just felt like writing this.

See you soon.

Current song playing: Bill Martin- The Man Who Throws The Tetris Piece

"You see no-one can defeat the man who throws the tetris piece"

Nothing too special to post today, except that I have personally had a rather good day today and had a load of fun!

• Messing about in Physics with no teacher amongst Becky and Lozza and Matt
• Seeing how much stuff we could fit into Gav's diabolo (2 coke caps, a paperclip and a AAA battery I believe)
• Bringing in my chain chomp and volley-balling it around the quad.
• Pretending the chomp was my head and being guided round the english classes to the hilarious bemusement of many English students (saw photos which were really funny!)
• Walking about the college with Fia talking about loads of stuff and just generally having a really enjoyable time around her.
• Seeing Jo so happy after recieving the birthday portrait I drew for her (it's reactions like this that keep me going, made me very happy to see her smile!)

Anyway that's all I have to offer you I guess today, not feeling bad about myself and just pleased at a happy day.

Hope to see you all soon.

Current song playing: Feeder- Somewhere To Call Your Own

"I know that I've made mistakes don't get me wrong"

Actually been a rather decent day for me, at least it properly got good since I got home as I'm pleased to deliver the news to my limited audience that my inflatable chain chomp is back! I'll be trying to bring it into college as soon as I can hopefully so I can keep it inflated permanently to share the fun amongst my dear friends.

Speaking of which I'm going to be unoriginal and launch out some statements to some people I know in the hope they can understand something or other so here goes:

• I don't mean to confuse you so much when I talk to you, I just get nervous trying to think of stuff to talk about and end up spurting random rubbish to you. I just like talking to you a lot and don't want to end up starting dead convos all the time to try and seem an interesting person to you, but when you do start up conversations with me I am grateful that you do.
• I'm sorry for doing some things that have been a bit appropriate between two people of conflicting circumstances. I have said and done a few things I shouldn't and ought to know better, I'm just grateful for any attention you pay to me that's all. I'll stay away for a bit if my actions make you uncomfortable.
• A piece of me will always love you, but if I'm honest I think some of me has just given up on the chance of someone liking me and I guess now I just have to get on with life being the somewhat distinctly average and uninteresting person I must be to people. If anyone does see me as the kind of person they want to be with I guess I should just be grateful. But by no means consider this your fault, you're one of if not the best people I've ever had the pleasure to meet and my life, as hard as this may be to believe, would have been worse off not having met you.

Anyway not much important stuff to say then, just thought I'd put some stuff out there that has been playing on my mind.

See you soon.