Current song playing: Coldplay- Lost!

"Just because I'm hurting,

Doesn't mean I'm hurt,

Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved,

No better than the worst,

I just got lost,

At every river that I tried to cross,

And every door I ever tried was locked,

Oh and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off"

I don't think I've used that song before, apologies if I already have.

You know, I've been thinking *groans from the audience, odd one or two walks out*, and rather spontaneously I managed to find a rather good analogy for how I deal with life. Maybe my humble abode of readers may like it too.

Think of my life as driving a rally course at full speed with an arm tied behind your back, sounds bizarre I know I thought so too but bear with me.

Said tie I believe is this faulty circuit of a mind that I have, a sort of limiting factor perhaps, useful for something but not always the best thing to have in important situations such as the rally course. Onlookers will be amazed as the sheer audacity of it, maybe get the wrong impression and see it as a daft search for attention and nothing will ever be achieved through it so they pass the driver by.

So because of the limiting factor I have to drive slow I guess, so that I can make sense of my surroundings and prepare myself for the onslaught of hazards being thrown my way one after another they come. I have to drive slow not only due to the course's hazards but so I can protect my co-driver. Everything and everyone that is important to me, my guiding light who without would leave me a hapless and hopeless wreck. Of course I have to drive slow for them, if I didn't all I'd do is cause them harm, lose tham and ruin the course for all the recklessness things I've done, and where would that get me?

But then again, my co-driver spurs me on, "go faster, we can win this!" they say, I have faith in them but I can't bring myself to speed up. What if I lose control? If I go too fast I'll lose everything, but if I go too slow I'd be letting them down and I wouldn't be able to make something of myself. And so this leaves me confused, stuck between two conflicting characteristics. The racer, or the cruiser?

So here I am, at the start line once again, can I grow so that I can break free to the ties holding me back or will I just lose all drive?

The start lights are counting down...

Sod the title.

Well, I tried to stave it off for as long as I could but without fail the last week of term has pulled me down into depression again.

Every year without fail on every end of term there is always something that causes me to end up depressed be it my fault or not, at first I thought it was how people always seem to distance themselves from me at that particular time but no, this time I'm the sole cause and that my friends is what hurts the most.

No-one else to blame, no-one else but me. And I hold my hands up, maybe I haven't studied as much as I can but can you not feel any sort of sympathy when I try what I can, border on having constant headaches every lesson desperately trying to understand what's written in front of me only to have a big fat FAIL presented to me for my efforts.

My Mum now thinks I should go into full-time work to help pay for the house, hell why not?
I'm not helping anyone by trying to chase after my dream job am I?
I go about every day constantly going down the hardest path I could take all for a vain dream to be part of an industry that has kept me sane and given me something to be passionate about in like and all I end up doing is making life hard for people around me.
My Mum for paying for extra help.
My teachers for having to reiterate everything to try to get me to understand it.
My friends for constantly trying to bring a smile to my face only for it to look like I am ungrateful back.

Sod it, why shouldn't I just give up? I've never excelled at anything, never shown a single trait I could use to help me become successful. All I am is 6ft of talentless, insignificant burts of social idiocy.

And look even now as I write this all I accomplish is a vain attempt for people to make me feel better, so here's the irony I'm being a nuisance again!

Here I've been constantly trying to figure out what exactly it is that makes life hard for me and why people don't seem to see me as a person they'd like. Well guess what? All I had to do was look in the mirror.

So here I present myself to you ladies and gentlemen, throw your abuse at me, because it's all I will ever deserve.