Long time no see.

I’m not sure why but I feel compelled to write about some things which have been going through my mind, not just about any random thing but I suppose you can get the gist of the subject after reading.

It’s been clear to me that I can get depressed a bit too easily sometimes, maybe too often aswell for my own good or for others to feel like I’m a happy enough person to hang around. It’s not something I want to expect to feel after every time I’m out with my friends be it clubbing or a party, which makes me feel all the more awkward when I do. After all I want to enjoy the time I spend with people, it’s been my objective this summer to be out with as many of my friends as often as I can so I have a plethora of memories and happy times to look back on.

I used to go through times where I got depressed for no reason at all, it would just creep up on me without warning. Didn’t feel good either that my Mum would repeatedly wonder if I was alright when I came back from school depressed despite nothing necessarily bad having happened to me that day. Admittedly there were times though college where those days would come back to haunt me, but I feel I have managed to escape the worst of those a while ago.

As pathetic as the following may sound, more often than not I felt that it was this underlying feeling of loneliness I seem to have follow me around that causes me to feel down. I shouldn’t do really, I have plenty of good friends who are there for me and a good family. Back in secondary school it was this loneliness combined with how unpopular I seemed to be that made me appreciative of any acts of kindness or conversation that I got from people, especially girls. That itself might not have been good for me, as for every girl that would regularly talk to and/or be nice to me I would hope that they liked me enough to want to be my girlfriend and of course I was mistaken in every case I had of it.

Once again I kind of feel like I’ve perhaps had that sort of experience happen to me through college and perhaps still am now, that in trying to ignore how many couples I happen to be around that I would wander what it would be like to be in a relationship with certain girls I know or want to get to know. But a good friend of mine said to me online recently that “I should remember when being nice is just being nice”, and I keep in mind what she said as a sort of wake-up call.

Speaking of clubbing though I have actually been out clubbing for the first time recently and what a night that was, it was great to be out in that kind of atmosphere with my friends and I hope to be out again soon. I was left with some questions though, part way through the night a mutual friend of mine and the people I was with at the nightclub joined us on the dancefloor and we were all happy to see her. Over time her and I got dancing together and we got close, now I don’t know if that’s just normal etiquette in that environment or whether she was enjoying dancing with me, and she was looking at me in a certain way which almost said “well what are you waiting for?”. But then shortly after I discovered she had found another guy to dance with and get close to so I was left wondering if I had just missed an opportunity.

Apologies though if through what I have said I either come across as desperate or ungentlemanly, it’s just like I mentioned earlier in that I am grateful for any sort of contact or attention a girl gives me and in the spirit of the saying “life is for living” that I should perhaps make the most of an opportunity rather than be left like I was thinking about what could have been.

Putting what I have said aside, there is one girl who I know that I really do like at the moment. I can hardly find the words to describe how amazing she is, to me she has the likeness of an angel, one of the sweetest hearts you’ll ever find and well whenever I’m around her she makes me very happy indeed. Though I’m unsure if she knows this, even though I have sent her a message to her inbox confessing how I feel for her but perhaps she either doesn’t check it or has read it but doesn’t want to do anything about it.

I don’t think I have anything else I can say, apart from thankyou for reading.

P.S. If you noticed the names in the tags section, think carefully if you try to match them to what I've typed

Current song playing: Coldplay- Rainy Day

WARNING: IF YOU INTEND ON READING JOHN GREEN'S BOOKS BE AWARE POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOLLOW IN THIS POST, other than that thanks for reading XD

The song in the title is one of the song's from Coldplay's EP titled "Prospekt's March", which gladly has been the soundtrack to my sunny days riding on the bus reading John Green's marvellous books. I enjoyed them so much I now feel compelled to write about them, so here goes:

Looking for Alaska:
Blimey what a book to start seriously reading on, I don't know of any other book which has actually emotionally moved me. It's about a guy called Miles going to a boarding school in Alabama and he ends up meeting rather interesting people, notably a girl called Alaska. Miles I can relate to due to his unpopularity in mainstream educational places and a notable ability to remember lots of things about a certain subject (in his case people's last words, in mine Formula 1). Seeing his raport with Alaska slowly grow as the book goes on filled me with a little glow of happiness as I felt so pleased for him, here's this ordinary guy searching for his "Great Perhaps" and yet he finds what I can only describe as a completely fascinating girl. I felt as if I was standing in Miles' very shoes as he was astounded (not just by her physical appearance) by just how different and mysterious she was, the prankster she was, how literary adept she was. Such a mind she had I couldn't help, like Miles, but be drawn to her and to know more about her. One thing I was surprised about was how much Miles mentioned his observations of how many layers of clothing stood between him and Alaska, but hey I suppose some things can't be helped but think about in the situations he was faced with hehe.
But then I was emotionally stirred once again, to read about Alaska's demise just shocked me completely. To think such a wonderful creature could just disappear like that just made me not want to believe she was gone, that she shouldn't be gone and that things just don't seem right without having the Alaska spin on the world. Perhaps this is a straightforward way of looking at it, but I thought that Alaska could be Miles' "Great Perhaps", but maybe the process of seeing her/having her/losing her as a whole could be classed as his "Great Perhaps". The one life changing event which ensures a person never is the same again.
I would recommend this book to anyone, if they can feel like how this book made me feel then it's a job well done by you Mr Green. I can't wait for the film next year.

An Abundance of Katherines:
This was a fun book to read, this book is about Colin who remarkably has been in a relationship (and dumped by) 19 girls all named Katherine and he sets out to create a formula that can predict the duration of any relationship between two people. Now how I'm studying Maths at college and the whole idea of being able to predict how a relationship will go appeals to me, I was very interested to see how Colin would do. He struggles with how his prominence as a child prodigy is a blessing and a curse, I mean to be a prodigy means you learn things which have already been proven but very fast and very well, but to be a genius requires figuring out new things that no-one else has. This unfortunately is his Achillile's Heel. But this leads him on a journey to find out whether he can matter to the world, and if he will be anything more than just a child prodigy. This spoke to me in a sense as I myself have questioned the matter of...well mattering, whether I can be of use to the world or if I will ever have a unique skill or ability which I can use to make a difference. To be more than just another guy.
This book makes for a great summer read, the formula is very interesting as is Colin's ability to anagram almost anything, and John Green's footnotes provide his mix of intelligence and humour which makes me come back everytime on his vlogbrother's YouTube channel. I mean if there's a reason why you'd watch a video on politics why not because the guy doing it is rubbing Peanut butter all over his face while he explains it to you?

Paper Towns:
If you like mystery, well my friend you've come to the right place. Although personally me being absolutely rubbish at thisisnottom.com I didn't think I stood a good chance of being able to figure out the ending of the book before it told me haha.
This book is about a guy called Quentin, and his neighbour Margo. They've known eachother for as long as they can remember, and have seen some rather interesting things together. Margo to me was one of the most spontaneous people you could ever meet, but yet the irony in that is her spontaneous happenings she plans it through most thoroughly. I liked reading about Margo expressing how her vision of Quentin in her imaginary world slowly proved to actually be the Quentin she knew all this time, but what a journey it could have been eh? To see Margo and Q travelling the width and breadth of the country doing all sorts of wonderful things. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

So anyway that's it, I hope it made for good reading as I wanted to write about this for some time.

Current song playing: Robbie Williams- Ghosts

I'm not actually listening to this, it just fits into the subject of some poetry I wrote in college today. Still no title for it...I don't seem to be very good at naming poems.

Here's to the ghosts in the world,
The invisible companions forever ignored,
Who are always there,
Not that people care,
And glide silently like a forgotten memory through their lives.
Now you see them...now you don't.

I don't know why I posted that, it's crap isn't it?

Current song playing: Well whatever follows on the list I guess.

Basically I'm copying Fia because her version was so good I wanted to see how mine would turn out, here goes:

1. How am I feeling today? High- Feeder (Really?)

2. Where will I get married? Sonorus- Feeder (To me that suggests maybe a church?)

3. What is my best friend’s theme song? The Scientist- Coldplay (Well I've no idea who my best friend is so who knows?)
4. What was High school like? Supreme- Robbie Williams (Um...)

5. What is the best thing about me? The Pretender- Foo Fighters (Oh dear :S)

6. How is tomorrow going to be? Perfect Day- Lou Reed Children In Need (Oh really? :D)

7. What is in store for this weekend? Man Machine- Robbie Williams (Hard-working times? *shrug*)

8. How does the world see me? Where'd All The Good People Go?- Jack Johnson (Am I one of the good people?)

9. What do my friends really think of me? This River Is Wild- The Killers (That's a bemusing analogy actually, not sure what to make of it)

10. How can I make myself happy? Forget About Tomorrow- Feeder (Ah but what would happen about planning? Or maybe that's the thing, maybe let stuff happen rather than prepare for what might?)

11. What should I do with my life? I Made It- Jay-Z (Well the song is about becoming a success when others thought you wouldn't so...)

12. Will I ever have children? Under The Weather- Feeder (I'll leave that to the imagination)

13. What is some good advice? You're All I Have- Snow Patrol (To make someone you care about feel special and valued?)

14. What do I think my current theme song is? Girl Is On My Mind- Rubber Factory (Actually that is true there is a girl on my mind, a lot...)

15. What does everyone else think about my current life? Viva La Vida- Coldplay (The song title means 'Live The Life', or 'Long Live Life' so I'm not too sure)

16. What type of women/men do you like? Lovers In Japan- Coldplay (Now that would be interesting, reminds me of how I really want to go to Japan)

17. Will you get married? Don't Get Me Wrong- Lily Allen (Is that a yes with an if or a no with a but?)

18. What should I do with my love life? The Importance Of Being Idle- Oasis (Paraphrasing 'be patient' much?"

19. Where will you live? Win Some, Lose Some- Robbie Williams (Suggests gambling, living in a casino? :S)

20. When I meet a guy/girl for the first time I say…Porcelain- Moby (No wonder people are resistant to approach me)

21. When my parents are angry I say… Lost?- Coldplay (That may stop them from arguing but maybe not for long, probably confuse them)

22. What always makes me happy? Move Your Feet- Junior Senior (Awesome song, I'm not much of a dancer though)

23. What always makes you laugh? Inversion- Mark Ronson (Well inversion of colours to make amusing pictures maybe?)

24. What makes you cry? You Give Me Something- James Morrison (Oh hardly, only piece of music that makes me cry is "Rose's Theme" as I've previously mentioned)

25. What makes you angry? Bela Lugosi's Dead- Bauhaus (*shrug* I don't think so)

26. What’s your biggest weakness? Grace- Robbie Williams (I'll probably have to disagree)

27. And your greatest achievement in life so far? You're All I Need To Get By- Mark Ronson (Finding true love? Well it's certainly made me feel the happiest I've been in life)

28. And your greatest ambition? Icky Thump- The White Stripes (No idea what that means, possibly to do with drumming?)

29. What song sums up how you feel about the girl/guy you like? Calm Down Dearest- Jamie T (I wish I got the song from #27 in this, it's how I feel)

30. What’s the most important thing in your life? Violet Hill- Coldplay (Well seeing as the true meaning behing this song is unknown to non-Coldplay members I can't think much of this)

31. What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given? Not Everyone- Nine Black Alps (Well reading the lyrics, it's kind of a way of saying that not everyone is a bad person or something)

32. And the worst? Stronger- Kanye West (What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger)

33. What was your childhood like? Ghosts- Robbie Williams (I certainly felt as invisible as one)

34. What are you thinking right now? Whistle For The Choir- The Fratellis (Yeah, thinking about it more it makes sense to me)

35. What will you end up doing in life? Book Eight- Hank Green (Good lord I'd ruin the entire Harry Potter legacy, I'd have countless amounts of HP nerdfighters chase me like an angry mob for creating such a disaster)

36. What would you like to say to your friends? Broken- Feeder (Well I feel like it, especially one part of me, feels like it's on life support with fleeting bursts of life)

37. What about your enemies? So Far So Good- Johnathan Coulton (Again this song and the previous should be switched if rules were to allow me)

38. And what’s your final message to the world? Drinking With You- Johnathan Coulton (The lyrics say it better than this comment does)

Well how about that, quite a few songs bringing about love-themed thoughts but hey, it's onlya quiz.

Until next time...

Current song playing: Rose's Theme

That was from the Doctor Who special BBC Proms programme I was watching earlier, and I'll be honest that while I was listening to it and watching the accompanying footage my eyes did start watering up and I don't know why. I can't seem to stop myself.

Anyway to the purpose of this post, well this eventually short post. I have a read about people's New Year's to-do lists or resolutions, so I feel like I should follow suit...but I can't.

I'm drawing blanks, mainly because every year I've done resolutions until 2008's resolution was not to smoke, which was a cop out because I've never smoked so I used it as an easy way of making a resolution. Then after, well, some very special events of late 2007 it made me take a chance. Try something different, something harder but if you manage to complete it it'll make you the happiest you've ever been in your entire life. But no, I couldn't complete it, any attempts failed miserably and circumstances got to the point where it just became hopeless, and I resigned myself.

So now here is the start of another year and I'm out of ideas, won't do the no-smoking one again that's too easy, and everyone knows what I tried last year won't work this year either as I'm not as close as I was last year so I'm opening this up to suggestions. That's right, any reader of this is formally allowed to dictate what my New Year's resolution will be. But first some exceptions:

• Can't say give up chocolate or give up Coke, don't know why not but I'd prefer if I didn't have to.

Hmm, that's the only exception I can think of, well the decision rests with you my humble crowd of followers. Do what you want with me.