Current song playing: Coldplay- Lost!

"Just because I'm hurting,

Doesn't mean I'm hurt,

Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved,

No better than the worst,

I just got lost,

At every river that I tried to cross,

And every door I ever tried was locked,

Oh and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off"

I don't think I've used that song before, apologies if I already have.

You know, I've been thinking *groans from the audience, odd one or two walks out*, and rather spontaneously I managed to find a rather good analogy for how I deal with life. Maybe my humble abode of readers may like it too.

Think of my life as driving a rally course at full speed with an arm tied behind your back, sounds bizarre I know I thought so too but bear with me.

Said tie I believe is this faulty circuit of a mind that I have, a sort of limiting factor perhaps, useful for something but not always the best thing to have in important situations such as the rally course. Onlookers will be amazed as the sheer audacity of it, maybe get the wrong impression and see it as a daft search for attention and nothing will ever be achieved through it so they pass the driver by.

So because of the limiting factor I have to drive slow I guess, so that I can make sense of my surroundings and prepare myself for the onslaught of hazards being thrown my way one after another they come. I have to drive slow not only due to the course's hazards but so I can protect my co-driver. Everything and everyone that is important to me, my guiding light who without would leave me a hapless and hopeless wreck. Of course I have to drive slow for them, if I didn't all I'd do is cause them harm, lose tham and ruin the course for all the recklessness things I've done, and where would that get me?

But then again, my co-driver spurs me on, "go faster, we can win this!" they say, I have faith in them but I can't bring myself to speed up. What if I lose control? If I go too fast I'll lose everything, but if I go too slow I'd be letting them down and I wouldn't be able to make something of myself. And so this leaves me confused, stuck between two conflicting characteristics. The racer, or the cruiser?

So here I am, at the start line once again, can I grow so that I can break free to the ties holding me back or will I just lose all drive?

The start lights are counting down...

Sod the title.

Well, I tried to stave it off for as long as I could but without fail the last week of term has pulled me down into depression again.

Every year without fail on every end of term there is always something that causes me to end up depressed be it my fault or not, at first I thought it was how people always seem to distance themselves from me at that particular time but no, this time I'm the sole cause and that my friends is what hurts the most.

No-one else to blame, no-one else but me. And I hold my hands up, maybe I haven't studied as much as I can but can you not feel any sort of sympathy when I try what I can, border on having constant headaches every lesson desperately trying to understand what's written in front of me only to have a big fat FAIL presented to me for my efforts.

My Mum now thinks I should go into full-time work to help pay for the house, hell why not?
I'm not helping anyone by trying to chase after my dream job am I?
I go about every day constantly going down the hardest path I could take all for a vain dream to be part of an industry that has kept me sane and given me something to be passionate about in like and all I end up doing is making life hard for people around me.
My Mum for paying for extra help.
My teachers for having to reiterate everything to try to get me to understand it.
My friends for constantly trying to bring a smile to my face only for it to look like I am ungrateful back.

Sod it, why shouldn't I just give up? I've never excelled at anything, never shown a single trait I could use to help me become successful. All I am is 6ft of talentless, insignificant burts of social idiocy.

And look even now as I write this all I accomplish is a vain attempt for people to make me feel better, so here's the irony I'm being a nuisance again!

Here I've been constantly trying to figure out what exactly it is that makes life hard for me and why people don't seem to see me as a person they'd like. Well guess what? All I had to do was look in the mirror.

So here I present myself to you ladies and gentlemen, throw your abuse at me, because it's all I will ever deserve.

Current song playing: 4Music presents Coldplay

It's been a while since I wrote a post about a dream I had but I thought a dream I had a couple of nights ago would be worth writing about.

I was sitting in the crowd inside my secondary school's drama hall next to Fia when a performance that we had gone to see together started up. I can't really remember what it was about but I was just enjoying the experience of going to see something with a close friend of mine, then a bit of a surprise occured when Fia stood up and made her way towards the stage which bemused me a little. Oddly though the performers were moving about in a way that they expected Fia to go onto the stage and even the music in the background was building up to a gap where someone would start singing. Surely enough Fia then walked up to the microphone and started singing, and my goodness she was good. I'm not saying this because of personal opinion (even though I bet Fia is a better singer than she makes out to be in real life) because I remember that when she was singing I thought to myself "this is just beautiful". It turned out that she was actually part of the performance all along so that was a pleasant surprise, but it invoked such admiration of her from me when I was listening to her so I waas glad to have enjoyed it.

So anyway that was my dream, hope you all had a good weekend.

If there was a song playing it'd wake my Mum up as it's nearly midnight...

Are you participating in something that is likely to hurt someone?
Well that's open to debate, I'd call it "life", and more often than not I'd say the person most likely to be hurt is me.

Do you really have to be with someone if you are single?
Just because you're single doesn't make it compulsory to get with someone no matter how many people you know are in relationships. It's just getting hard for me a lot of the time having a nearly overwhelming sensation of lonliness creeping over me when I'm trying to enjoy the time I spend around people. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone but as they say beggars can't be choosers.

Does it really matter what you look like?
Bit of an ambiguous question, I've never cared too much on my appearance to others, which is ironic seeing as I'm rather self-concious(sp?) of all my actions and what I say to other people. I've just never felt the need to settle into a specific "style", I see clothes, clothes fit, I buy clothes, as long as it's not pink or yellow I'm fine but that's down to personal preference of colours. Whether there are a lot of people out there willing to judge someone on their fashion sense or whatever appears on their body remains to be seen. Who knows I may just be rambling here.

How many people do you ignore?
I ignore people who I know present me the risk of having them bully me or just those who make me feel bad. I try to get around earlier said lonliness problem by looking away if I see people get intimate, not because I don't like them but so that I can spare myself another afternoon of gradual depression. Frankly I'd prefer not to ignore anyone so I can speak to people and make as many friends as I can.

How often do you make something feel irrelevant?
Sorry I don't quite know how to answer that, probably just me being dumb.

Do you really need to affect other peoples lives?
It's not a question of needing to affect others lives, I'm a rather reserved person and don't really go up to people much that much is a given. But we all affect other peoples lives whether we want to or not, anything we say or do or think affects how we react or feel about people and it's because we're all individuals and there's too many variables in life to try and minimise the effect on other people without completely shutting ourselves off.

Sorry if this has been a waste of your time readers.

Current song playing:...well there isn't one this time.

I actually thought today wa going to be a good day, driving up to college on my own for the first time and having a laugh with friends about Porsche's new "Doppelkupplung". All new and pwerful providing thrust just when you need it.

Then of course it went downhill pretty much from 3pm. After feeling tired for most of the day I ended up getting so depressed I had to spend the first 20 minutes of my Maths lesson in the toilets as I was in tears. To top it off I don't even know why I felt like it, guess I have to officially declare I'm back to how I felt most of the time in secondary school, I hoped this wouldn't happen ever since I met my new great friends.

Still depressed now, don't know whether that's because I was invisible today or not that remains to be seen I guess.

Hope you all have good weekends, I probably won't at this rate.

Current song playing: Jonathan Coulton- Drinking With You

"My heart stops in a panic, when I think of how it would feel to finally hold your hand"


My oh my, we haven't seen eachother for a few weeks now have we blogger?

I have to say though it has been a good weekend for me, I mean a dinner out with my great friends can only be a good thing and it certainly was. A steak, conversations and great Sex (On The Beach) combined with a bit of Blackjack was a lovely meal. If a bit expensive.

Tell you what got a great chance to burn it off acting nonchalantly in the park and running off towards the station to catch the last train home, well not me personally but it would have been rude to let them run off by themselves into the dark. The stitch was worth it. Also as if my night couldn't get any better a little 'love-in' shall we call it was a lively end to the night, Imi being the main benefactor I would think =] (hello there if you're reading this, you're not the only one who hasn't blogged for a while it would seem).

So thankyou for inviting me, the start to that day wasn't exactly great and I was stuck with Maths papers to do which is as we know is a great way to cure my depression(!) Seriously though I really want to thank all of you for a great night. Possible lack of funds maybe not allowing us to do it as often as we'd like, weather permitting.

Alas, that brings me onto tonight/today/11th November 2008.
Thankfully I didn't get sacked, so I'm still in with a job until it gets quiet and overtime becomes unavailable then I'm out of there. It helped a little to raise me out of the currently turbulent mood I'm in, well not exactly turbulent I'd say more brinking on happiness to be talking to the people who mean so much to be/mild depression due to lonliness nearly cried a couple of times today mixed with a little bit of tired. That and chats I've had with Fia over the days http://horrendousblah.wordpress.com/ for proof of that.

I shouldn't feel like this really, I mean an iffy mood doesn't help when I'm trying to do Physics work, it's just a little bit pathetic of me to feel lonely. I've been through it all in my head several times but it's still there, the cowering man sitting opposite to the frustrated man slamming his fists on the table telling him to get over himself.

I thought there were a couple of avenues open to me but gradually over the past couple of days they slowly got sealed off from me but anyway I shouldn't rant on too much about things I already have. As I read somewhere:

"Don't compromise yourself, You're all you've got".

That should have been my motto throughout secondary school, hell it should be my motto now. It appears I can find a way to gradually screw myself over at ever stage of my life, even if I can't see it happening at the time.

There were a few comforting moments to help ease me out of my mood, mainly hugs if I'm honest courtesy of Jess and, well I'm going to put a little revelation here. The person I've written under the pseudonym 'her' in my labels section is Cat, and I don't know if it's my place to say this but just the hug and that you asked if I felt ok was comforting beyond belief for me today. It felt like something great that I hadn't felt for some time just rushed up to greet me again and it was wonderful. As for Jess well it is always marvellous to be able to hug you, makes me smile more often than not, but I'll always have this feeling that I'm not the first guy you'd go to for a hug, but that's my problem not yours.

I guess that's all I have to say for now, apologies for upsetting the probably >4 readers I still have on this thing with my less-than-perky return.

Oh and another revelation I think worth sharing, this is to you Fia if you still remember it.

The Emerald Lady was you, I only just realised it.

Current song playing: Flow- GO!!

"We are Fighting Dreamers, with these best friends
Fighting Dreamers, swallowing up everything
Fighting Dreamers, with high ambitions"

Thought I might just write down some things that have happened to me, now don't worry it's not going to be me moaning and whatnot. Bear with me and you might like reading this.

Yesterday after college had finished I went into town with the Gavner, Muffin and the abolsutely fascinating Fia and we were walking through the park (well Fia was on her bike but I digress) to go into town. Looking at the sky I had one of my ever-occurring moments where I look at the sky and find myself in awe of the cloud patterns in the sky, it was all wispy and smooth, but not only that I also happened to glance at the Sun where I noticed a small glowing orb next to it. Thinking it was just something on my shades manipulating the light I took them off only to find the orb was still there, and what was interesting about it was that it was red on the right side, blue on the left and green in the middle.

Then of course I realised I was fortunate enough to have spotted a 'sun-dog', famous for having appeared either side of the Sun on the circumference of the upside-down rainbow, and of course I stopped to admire it. Never thought I'd be able to see those in real life, and if that wasn't enough when I walked further into the park I saw the other 'sun-dog' aswell. Very glad to have seen that, certainly proved to be a great end to my day aswell as explaining Unforgotten Realms references to Fia with Gav, felt good being considered more entertaining than the actual programme =]

Today also brought about some fanciful scenery for me to admire as I was out driving for my Pass Plus session, which was a big success so I'm quite pleased about that. The fact that it was a glorious sunny day helped a lot to make it literally a beautiful day for me, not a single cloud in the sky. I drove down to Folkstone (I think that's what the place was called) which is near Dover right on the coast and while I was eating my lunch during our break it was calming to look out to the water. Seeing a giant tanker float by in the distance and the little boats in the harbour bob up and down wasn't too bad either.

When I was driving back up from Folkstone a load of clouds had decided to crash the party, but thankfully they created some interesting shapes. The best shape I saw was nearly the exact rendition of the head of a dragon Fia once drew and it didn't look out of place floating in the sky, growing ever larger the further along the motorway I went. Later on towards the end of my session I was driving through Sevenoaks and a village called "Seal", yes that's right, where seeing as it's autumn time of course all the leaves are taking charity parachute jumps out of their trees, so when I was going thorugh the country lanes there was a swirl of green/yellow/brown surrounding me and I just couldn't help but think how pretty it all looked.

So alas that will be the end of my tale, apologies if I weirded you out or made no sense at all but I just felt like writing this.

See you soon.

Current song playing: Bill Martin- The Man Who Throws The Tetris Piece

"You see no-one can defeat the man who throws the tetris piece"

Nothing too special to post today, except that I have personally had a rather good day today and had a load of fun!

• Messing about in Physics with no teacher amongst Becky and Lozza and Matt
• Seeing how much stuff we could fit into Gav's diabolo (2 coke caps, a paperclip and a AAA battery I believe)
• Bringing in my chain chomp and volley-balling it around the quad.
• Pretending the chomp was my head and being guided round the english classes to the hilarious bemusement of many English students (saw photos which were really funny!)
• Walking about the college with Fia talking about loads of stuff and just generally having a really enjoyable time around her.
• Seeing Jo so happy after recieving the birthday portrait I drew for her (it's reactions like this that keep me going, made me very happy to see her smile!)

Anyway that's all I have to offer you I guess today, not feeling bad about myself and just pleased at a happy day.

Hope to see you all soon.

Current song playing: Feeder- Somewhere To Call Your Own

"I know that I've made mistakes don't get me wrong"

Actually been a rather decent day for me, at least it properly got good since I got home as I'm pleased to deliver the news to my limited audience that my inflatable chain chomp is back! I'll be trying to bring it into college as soon as I can hopefully so I can keep it inflated permanently to share the fun amongst my dear friends.

Speaking of which I'm going to be unoriginal and launch out some statements to some people I know in the hope they can understand something or other so here goes:

• I don't mean to confuse you so much when I talk to you, I just get nervous trying to think of stuff to talk about and end up spurting random rubbish to you. I just like talking to you a lot and don't want to end up starting dead convos all the time to try and seem an interesting person to you, but when you do start up conversations with me I am grateful that you do.
• I'm sorry for doing some things that have been a bit appropriate between two people of conflicting circumstances. I have said and done a few things I shouldn't and ought to know better, I'm just grateful for any attention you pay to me that's all. I'll stay away for a bit if my actions make you uncomfortable.
• A piece of me will always love you, but if I'm honest I think some of me has just given up on the chance of someone liking me and I guess now I just have to get on with life being the somewhat distinctly average and uninteresting person I must be to people. If anyone does see me as the kind of person they want to be with I guess I should just be grateful. But by no means consider this your fault, you're one of if not the best people I've ever had the pleasure to meet and my life, as hard as this may be to believe, would have been worse off not having met you.

Anyway not much important stuff to say then, just thought I'd put some stuff out there that has been playing on my mind.

See you soon.

Current song playing: Feeder- Itsumo

"Too many times I watched you leave, I didn't say anything"

Not much to report on in terms of interesting things that have happened to me over the past few days, I just felt like writing this poem. It doesn't have a title yet so feel free to suggest one:

This is to the girl who got away
That I shared my first kiss
Who couldn't face me that fateful day
And required another to break us up.

This is to the girl who moved away
That I had little courage to speak to
Who was gone that fateful day
And I'm unable to lay eyes her again.

This is to the girl who got taken away
That was my only friend
Who got kidnapped that fateful day
And left me alone once more.

This is to the girl who lives far away
That made the time I spent with her joyful
Who never knew I wanted her that fateful day
And who I hope to meet again.

This is to the girl who took my breath away
That introduced herself to me like no-one else
Who taught me what it was to love that fateful day
And will never be forgotten.

This is to the girl who will love me one day
That will make me happy
Who I will endeavour to do the same
And be at peace with the world.

Thankyou for reading.

Current song playing: Kaiser Chiefs- Try Your Best

"So try your best

And think about it later

Or you will never know"

Good evening on this blustery cold (summers?) evening.

Despite the weather conditions in Brighton being on a par with the monsoon that was the last time we went down there I enjoyed myself a fair bit more I have to be honest.

Didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked but weather didn't help but batteries are being great at losing their charge within hoursn, with minimal usage, of being removed from the bosom that is the National Grid. But I digress.

I'll list down the highlights here as I find it easier to remember somehow but feel free to ask more about it, would love someone to talk to right now.

• Musing with Gav on my steel drum from Antuiga, working on how to work out how to play songs on it which should be great. He recommended I try being the drummer on a game called "Rock Band" too which I look forward to trying.
• Somehow fitting into the Brighton scene even whilst wearing my black-and-white-hat-shaped-no-eyed-spider of a ski hat.
• Trying to take pictures of us on the escalators in Primark.
• Savouring the taste of Mountain Dew.
• Watching a guy in "Oddballs" completely master the yo-yo and diabolo right in front of Dex and Gav while they watched on in awe mixed with shame (:P)
• Meeting and acquiring a delightful small rubber ducky named Jasmine (due to eyelashes).
• The hugs ^^.
• Seeing the self-titled Boop and Koop dressed up in skinny jeans and corsets, they looked rather fetching =] (in a im-not-trying-to-flirt-with-peoples-girlfriends-just-complimenting-their-looks kind of way *phew*)
• Going barefoot into the water with Lizzie and Shelle even though the beach was pointy of my feet (no needles don't worry)
• Watching Hannah go hyper on Mountain Dew.
• Finding caramel chews in dice containers with Japanese caligrophy on them...for 30p!
• Running after Shelle to get her onto the train in time for home.
• Finding a post which had a poem written in a sprial downwards so I read it, out loud whilst spinning round it and inadvertedly getting in loads of peoples ways. Quite funny looking from where Gav and Lizzie were standing, especially with my hat =]

Anyway if any of the people who went to Brighton with me (Fia/Lizzie/Shelle/Cat/Boop/Dex/Gav/Matt/Hannah/Imi/Cathy/Gemma) then feel free to share them with me be it in picture form or not =]

See you soon my friends.

Current song playing: Coldplay- Talk

"So you don't know where you're going

But you want to talk

And you feel like you're going where you've been before

You'll tell anyone who will listen but you feel ignored

Nothing's really making any sense at all

Let's talk, Let's talk"


Nothing really important to mention here, feeling dissapointed but I won't go into that, I just felt like doing Lizzie's literary challenge.


As is the standard I'll highlight the randomly selected words in italics, so here below stands by poem...

Expressing my thoughts is not my forte
I find it too challenging
The troubles I have to find the right words
They just keep on duplicating

When I speak from the heart
I find it hard not to mumble
Could be lack of self-esteem, or just about anything
It always leads me to crumble

"I feel like my heart is on life support"
To myself I once said
Every so often with brief hope it rebuilds itself
Only to be broken again along with the hope once in my head
All this leads is to is for people to derive

That my emotions are too wild
In a social world I cannot survive
Their observations often match my own

On my own...it's what I always am isn't it?

There you go, it was a depressing poem I know but it was all I could do with this.

Hope I haven't ruined your day.

Current song playing: Robbie Williams- Better Man

"As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame"

I've had something going through my mind recently, due to my own faults I'm too nervouse to say this directly to you so I shall say it here.

I have been through many thought process and one of them led me to this realisation, recently I had grown to like you more in a way than I normally do. I found so many things to admire about you and you were more often than not the reason for me smiling, but of course I now feel bad for doing so not only for obvious commitments but for how I nearly thought I had someone to guide me through a hardship in my life.

Of course now though gravity forces me back through the tunnel out to the other side again every time I reach the light so now I am forced to try again alone.

Thinking about it though it may in a strange way not be such a coincidence I've found it harder to talk to you than normal and being the fool I am I say the wrong things to try and make it better, so I'll just accept maybe I'm being kept away to prevent my foolish nature what is now a great set of circumstances for you which you have been long owed for some time now.

So anyway this is it, I can only hope you are not angered or confused by this and I can only hope for us to stay the good friends we've been (at least I hope we have) we have been and I wish for your happiness to continue.

Goodnight.

Current song playing: Gilbert O'Sullivan- Alone Again, Naturally

"It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world that can’t be mended

Left unattended

What do we do?

What do we do?"

Here I am again with another post, deary me.

Today was, well interesting would be a good word for it. Started off well enough but gradually throughout the day some realisms came to me that kept me planted on planet Earth.

I felt alone today if I'm honest, which is a cruel irony seeing as I was surrounded by good friends and I wouldn't have wanted to do anything else today than hang with them, but I couldn't help but just think of pairs everywhere and sudden revelations that made me feel guilty of actions that I may have been best not to have done in the knowledge that I had this evening.

Tell you what though I was very glad not to be abandoned to endure half an hour of standing in the pouring rain waiting for my bus to take me home, I would have probably gotten really down after doing that.

Had a few primary thoughts run across me tonight, mainly how in the grander scheme of things for people to be happy my happiness has to be paid off. I've seen so many things and had so many things happen to me that ultimately end with me feeling bad so that others can feel happy so it must be the status quo or something. Faith as a whole has never been my forte, I've never really believed in my ability to do near enough anything either due to low self-esteem or just a general lack of being able to do it.

The following is probably going to sound idiotic. I've been fortunate enough to have made brilliant friends, people who have fought to keep me happy in my most depressing days and who take the time to make simple gestures to make me feel better. I have a decent enough life what with the money I earn and the stuff I'm priveliged to own but I can't help but feel that something is a bit off. People I have met online or in person tell me of the great qualities of a person that I am and I've been flattered to hear it but in spite of all this I haven't felt much like I'm trusted as a person.

There must be something I'm doing wrong, something about the way I think/talk or actions I have commited that people find unsavoury about my demeanour. Something must be justifying what has gone wrong in my life and what I find hard to achieve where others have glided effortlessly, and I have spent a fair amount of my life trying to figure out what it is.

You know what I need?

I need someone to get inside my head, give me an outside perspective on who I am and what makes me do what I do because clearly I am useless at trying to do that myself. So I must apologise for this post perhaps being the most incompetent piece of self-doubting pessimistic dribble you've ever read as it seems clear to me I don't know how to work myself out.

So to sum me up I'm a driver who can't work a car, the loudmouth who doesn't know how to shut up and the man who won't stop fighting the losing battle.

Anyhoos I may end up regretting the posting of this blog but I want to finish with a quote a dear friend of mine sent to me:

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." ~Daniel L. Reardon

P.S. I'm sorry.

Current song playing: Coldplay- X&Y

"Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan

When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can"

My this blog has gone cold from neglect, I shall aim to warm it some more with a nice cup of Jasmine tea...shall have to pop back to the Steyning Tea Houses...maybe take someone with me *ponders*

Anyway I haven't really had anything significant to blog about recently and thus not felt like wasting peoples time by typing dribble but tonight fingers have come to keys and after talking to people (both meaning a lot to me) I've felt compelled to write.

I've been doubting myself recently, a lot in fact. I've grown nervous around the people who mean the most to me not only in person but online and not knowing what to type to keep them interested and having the confidence to type/talk slowly shrink away into seclusion or a feeling of "they wouldn't want to talk to me anyways".

I got shown some videos by someone recently and aside from being interesting in the way of showing how big space is and having some incredibly large figures, it made me think a little but probably not what I was supposed to. I doubted myself again to my worth as a person or to other's time even though it was supposed to make me feel great about myself and I apologise to Lizzie for not being as upbeat as I was supposed to be and being a pessimist toward myself.

Having getting over the nervousness of talking to people and trying to get conversations going though proved slightly easier for me recently as they've actually made me feel better just by talking to me and making me think that maybe I am interesting enough to make their time spent talking to me worthwhile.

What I have found the most confusing personally is when I try and explain my doubts or weird feelings I stumble and think to myself "I don't actually know" so it then gets me thinking as to why the hell I am thinking all this and that I should just grow up and be happy with what I have, yet I've not the will-power to do so it would seem.

Nonetheless I guess it's been a mental "what-the-hell" type thing going on for me but I just want to extend some thanks for some little things that have been good for me recently:

To Fia: For the walks in the woods, the chats online about many goods & all the laughs we had
To Lizzie: For the reassuring beliefs, the consoling of my griefs & the cute dp of an orange
To her: For simply responding, to leave me wondering, of when we will meet again.

Sleep well my friends.

Current song playing: The Killers- Romeo And Juliet

"I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV

And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be

I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you

Can't do anything except be in love with you



And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be"





I had a couple of odd dreams recently, one involving Lizzie and the other the cast of Top Gear...probably best you don't ask about these as I'm issuing an advance warning of possible disturbance.

Anyway now for something I've come to realise this week, I'm losing hope.


If it's now increasingly likely I'll ever be able to speak to her again then hell will freeze, thaw and refreeze before I can have anything romantic with her. I'm living in the past, I'm scared to turn to the future and I'm constantly relating myself to a simple Dr Who quote I saw in the finale:

"So what about you Doctor, all those friends you've got?"..."They've all got someone else now"



Alas I have to put out a mention to Fia, yet again she has been able to make me feel better what with her uplifiting demeanour and her frantic typing at the end of conversations trying to get down all she wants to say and my sneaky attempts at keeping her from going to bed so she can keep me smiling for that extra minute. Selfish I know, will have to get her that ice-cream I owe her as an apology gift.

Speaking of Fia I should probably end this blog with something uplifting...well it'll be uplifting for some and for others distinctly average.

Upon the arrival of July 12th the fantastic Fia and the sincere Steph kindly partnered me to the Goodwood Festival of Speed and I can honeslty say it was the best one I have ever been to simply because they were there with me. I've never been able to openly act in my automotive interests with people before, sure there are thousands of other people there too but apart from my Dad I've never been able to share my world with people like this before. So a most sincere thankyou to the both of you and now here are the moments from that day that I look back on kindest:

• Going "shopping" with Fia and Steph round the racecar model shops.
• Trying the A1GP pit-stop challenge with Dad.
• Talking to Alan McNish and finding out he was tired of journalists over-hyping the Le Mans battle between Audi (which he drove for) and Peugeot and thought Peugeot were going to win.
• Finding out both Alan and I love a good mocha.
• Battling the walk up the hill to crossing 6 with them both.
• Watching the tiny windscreen wipers on the tank go crazy.
• Waving umbrellas about to help Dad find me, much to photographer's displeasure.
• Seeing Fia get awe-struck by the Airbus A380.
• The three of us egging eachother on to get Sir Stirling Moss' autograph.
• Getting Sir Stirling Moss to sign a copy of Ian Fleming's "Live And Let Die".
• Watching Fia and Steph dive into a pile of bean bags at the Honda stand.
• Sitting on the Honda F1-liveried lawnmower with Steph.
• Fia giving Steph a ride in a Honda Civic Type-R, Fia being the driver of course, and having a laugh.
• The bumpy ride in the tractor shuttles up and down from the rally stage
• Being interviewed by the online Race of Champions TV crew about my opinions on it being hosted in Wembley.
• Running about the supercar display taking pictures just as the cars were preparing to do their runs up the hill.
• Getting a text from Fia giving me subtle clues as to where she was sitting in the supercar paddock.
• Getting a text from Fia saying "Look up" and literally looking up at the sky when they were right next to me on the wall, then getting a text saying "By the cafe we're not that ruddy tall!". Good laugh that was.
• Playing with the cavemen from Wacky Races's hair.
• Trying to get Steph and Fia noticed on the TV camera up by the rally stage with me.
• Driving an XBOX game on a stand where the seat was too low and the TV screen angles so the clouds reflected off the screen therefore not being able to see where you were going, not good when the steering wheel was nearly falling off the table and possibly explaining why the steering was so light. But fun to see Steph and Fia having a go and me giving them directions.
• Walking straight past Fia and Steph (literally) whilst trying to find them in the paddock...several times.
• Fia singing the Bugatti Veyron's praises, and me complimenting the Pur Sang edition.
• Fia and I taking pictures of eachother with her SLR camera whilst waiting for Steph to finish in the lavatory.
• The minimal traffic in and out of the event.
• Steph and I walking Fia to and from her house up to my Dad's car.
• Steph and I endlessly stroking Fia's face as it was so soft.
• Me walking arm in arm with Fia on my right and Steph on my left through the Style-et-Luxe past a James Bond car display with big band music in the background. I'll treasure that moment most for a very long time. "Well looks like you really CAN live like a spy and get the girls".

Anyway that's all I can remember for now, if I remember anything more I'll add it in a later date.

But I should probably take Fia's advice from 2 hours ago and go to bed.

I'll see you soon.

Current song playing: Coldplay- Everything's Not Lost

"So if you ever feel neglected, and you think that all is lost, I'll be counting up my demons, hoping everything's not lost"

I can't believe the weekend I had, so many good things happened it was an incredibly great experience, probably what I needed after recent social events had left me confused, nervous and apprehensive for a while. But anyway enough of that, I have a story to tell...

Saturday morning was the turn of my theory test for my driving. Got 49/50 for multiple choice and 61/75 for hazard perception so that equated to one hell of a pass! Nearly had my test cancelled by the DSA as I had left the photocard part of my provisional driving license at home but Dad was kind enough to get it for me. Fast-forward the day an hour or so and I had managed to get back to Horsham in time to play football in the park as usual, and what's more is the team I was in won the game so an added benefit of the day. Fast-forward the day again and after the British Grand Prix I had recieved confirmation that I was allowed to go to the British Grand Prix with my Dad! More details on that later.

Upon watching Doctor Who in the evening I wasn't really struck by the finale, it solved the answers of the previous episode cliffhanger but that's pretty much all it did. The using-the-hand-to-keep-Tennant-the-same was a bit of a cop-out of Mr Davies' part and didn't do him justice as to some of the good episodes he has written have done. However was glad that Donna no longer plays a role in the programme, I shan't rant about this too long but she was the most rubbish companion in the history of Dr Who. Enough said. Also glad to see no sudden burst of what will start this years Christmas special, the plot was best left with him just adjusting to life on his own again. Was a bit rubbish to see the entire mass of associates he had collected all forced to go seperate ways, especially Rose but we all knew what the Doctor said to her on Bad Wolf Bay now don't we?

Anyway, Sunday beckoned me profusely as it was the day of the 2008 Santander British Grand Prix, I had to get up early so that I was able to get to the circuit in time. The reason why I was allowed to the Grand Prix was that I was to join my Dad as part of Cabair staff, I got up early so that I would travel with my Dad to the circuit and help out when it came to flying the customers in and out of the circuit for the Grand Prix. Thus in turn allowing me to get into Silverstone for FREE. That's right, I paid nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Once the customers had gotten where they wanted to (Vernon Kay and Tess Daly being notable guests), we were taxi-ed down to a clubhouse/cafe place (which had a free-vending hot drinks machine, made use of that with a mocha) next to Bridge where there was a perfect vantage point where the ground was risen up to build the road over the bridge. Uninterrupted views of Maggots/Beckets and turning around gave views of the run down to Stowe so plenty of overtaking opportunities ready for recording.

Even when the cars were on the warm-up lap the noise was just amazing, you could sense how the engines were longing to be put to full pace and when they were...it's just phenomenal. Never have I actually felt something inside my ears upon hearing something, it says a lot about the sheer power of the engines, just makes me want to have gone to a Grand Prix back when they had 3-litre V10's that weren't rev-limited and were the pinnacle of engine development in worldwide motorsport. Anyway below is a link to a montage video I took of the weekend:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s41Ou03VaI

The race itself was incredibly eventful, Lewis Hamilton finishing an epic 68-odd seconds before second-placed Nick Heidfeld and Rubens Barrichello taking a well-deserved 3rd for Honda. What's more is that Massa spun at least 5 times (with some jeering from the crowd) and Raikonnen making a poor decision to stay on his first stint tyres and losing around 40 seconds to Hamilton. Good to see Ferrari getting this kind of race happen to them after all the help they've gotten from the FIA recently. Mark Webber unfortunately again couldn't capitalise on a front-row start and spun on the hangar straight on the first lap ultimately causing him to finish outside of the points. It made the wind and the rain so worth it to have gone to my first British Grand Prix with a British driver winning in a British car and I went for free. Can't get many better motor-racing experiences than that without driving.

I originally started at Bridge then with my Dad and his colleagues we walked down to Stowe before finishing at Copse to watch the end of the race. It was great to see Hamilton waving at the fans while they cheered, you could even hear them cheering at the start/finish straight there were so many of them. What was funny was that when I was at Bridge I was standing near a small group of raging Ferrari fans so to see them get all excited when Raikonnen closed up to Hamilton only to see Ferrari screw up their strategy so that showed them what was what.

After the race had finished we were taxi-ed back up to the marquees up by Abbey to get Cabair customers back out of the circuit so they could go home and I was instructed to tell the staff which of our designated helicopters were landing in certain bays by listening to radio transmissions from the control tower at Silverstone (121.075Hz I think the frequency was). That went well and then out of the blue I was told that I may have to get a helicopter out of the circuit so I was suddenly very nervous, it's hard enough for me to jump out of a tree from a branch no higher than my height as it is let alone ride in a helicopter. Unfortunately for me, while I was frantically pacing up and down the marquee, it dawned on me that it was this or walk. I had no idea which direction to go in either and it was raning so I had to take my vertigo like a man and just get in the helicopter and hope the flight is as short as possible.

So I walked out of the marquee at a crouch as I was adamant that I was not to go anywhere near the rotors than is sensible, and I was bundled into the front seat so I was to get a panoramic view throughout the trip. Not too bad then. So as we ascended I video-ed the view as to prove to myself (or other people) I was capable of remaining in relative calm at over head height. I got a pretty good view of the circuit and could see the entire layout of the track. What I actually found interesting was while flying that the rain streamed across the windshield in a rather elegant fashion, but I should point out that from ascent to descent my left hand would not let go of a coasthanger-thing above me to my left whether I told it to or not. Couple of other things that worried me about the trip was the window was vibrating tremendously while in flight and the fact that as I was sitting in the front passenger seat that of course I was next to all the controls, including a bid red button labelled "KILL SWITCH". That unnerved me a lot knowing what that button does and having it near me.

Nonetheless after getting over the silly amounts of tilting that the pilot was doing in the air the descent back to where Dad's car was parked went smoothly and I got out safely too. I made a point of telling Dad that I was still a petrolhead and that my preferred method of transport would always be the car. Flew over the Red Bull Racing F1 factory which could have been an insight to a future workplace if my plans go well.

A final highlight of the trip would be living the classic cliche of having swans (thankyou Fia for correcting me, I originally thought they were geese) cross the road in front of me when me and Dad were driving past the Nissan factory next to where my Dad works.

So yeah quite a weekend and I do hope I haven't bored you at all reading this.

And if you're reading this then remember I still love you, I'm sorry if it inconveniences you but I just can't help this.

Fare thee well.

Current song playing: Ayano Tsuji- Kaze Ni Naru

"Close the forgotten eyes and retrieve the love song
Reach out your hand hidden in the blue sky one more time
Don't forget, soon I'll be by your side all the time
Even when at dawn you gaze at the starry sky alone"

I feel at ease right now, somewhat calm and at peace with the world. It's amazing what watching a film can do to me, and I finished watching 'The Cat Returns' a few minutes ago and I just can't help but love it. I've never admired and adored fictional characters so much until now. The grace, elegance and effortless chivalry of Baron Humbert von Gikkingen and the depth, beauty and spontaneous nature of Haru Yoshioka. I find the Baron the kind of gentlemanly figure I'd love to be as a person, to be able to be such an admirable figure as a person and to have the grace to pull off incredible feats with such poise and effortlessness. Just amazing. Haru however I just think is such an amazing character, such a deep thinker but with a cute clumsiness turning later to a beautiful grace and ease of movement in how she is as a person. Makes me wonder if there is someone in real life who is just like her, I'd love to meet her if there is.

Anyway I just felt like writing something on here as I like the mood I'm in, I hope I can stay like this as it seems to make life feel much easier for me. Now all I need is her to complete it...

Current song playing: Coldplay- Strawberry Swing

"Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time"

First off I have to mention how brilliant Mclaren was, out of all the day trips I have been on this just blows all the others out of the water. I was taken round their entire factory, although the day started off with a board meeting where we got to ask questions to the CEO of Mclaren Electronics about the cars (and I also had a cup of tea too, little finger lifted as standard). Then I was shown the SECU (Standard Electronic Control Unit) that they supply to every single car on the F1 grid. Then I was shown how they make the circuits to fit inside the SECU, but one weird thing I have to mention is that every door that I pushed gave me an electric shock as there must have been a huge build up of static in the air, did it to everyone in fact.

But the best bit of the trip had to be actually seeing the team making the sidepods and centre section of the 2009 car which will have brand new aerodynamics fitted to it to improve overtaking, I would have drawn it so I remembered what it looked like but I can't remember enough of what it looks like to accurately draw it. I also went inside the windtunnel section of the facility, and the windtunnel itself is so powerful that it has to be mounted on rubber supports from the ground otherwise the noise and vibrations from it would reverberate around the entire factory and probably break all the glass. Then as a finale I got to see the race and F1 cars they had on display, including Mika Hakkinen's 1998 and 1999 title winning MP4/13 & MP4/14, Kimi Raikonnen's 2005 MP4/20, a Mclaren F1 LM edition (one of 5 in the world), a Mclaren F1 GT Longtail race car which helped Mclaren dominate the GT racing scene in the mid 90's as part of their 1995 Le Mans 24 Hours win in which the car hardly needed any modifications to make it race-worthy. Also got to see all the trophies they'd won too.

Now I don't know why I decided to do this but I thought it might amuse me so as I recently acquired Coldplay's new album 'Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends" I will now personally review each song on the album.

1) Life In Technicolor: A good start to the album, rolling drums beats help keep the pace of the song up and was a good decision to start the album with a non-vocalised song, kept the theme original and could easily be recreated by any budding drummer.
2) Cemeteries Of London: Coldplay said themselves they aimed to name this song as how Morrisey formely of The Smiths would, and they weren't wrong. Not too bad a song, slower than Track 1 but still keeps an echoey air to it which suits this song best to make it a more calming tune.
3) Lost!: This is one of my favourite tracks on the album, I like the lyrics and the beat behind it could not be better, steady at first and has an African theme about it and as the song goes on it gradually gets replaced by the modern drum kit as played by Will Champion. I would also recommend listening to 'Lost?' which is a piano acoustic version of this song and can be downloaded from iTunes, the beat is the same but do give it a listen.
4) 42: Again this song is one of the ones I like listening to best, I could easily sit back and let the music calm and relax me, but unfortunately it doesn't last long. The song jumps from a calming piano into a full blown guitar and drums blast which I can't decide whether it gives the song added impact or makes it unneccessarily manic and would be better off keeping the calming piano throughout the song.
5) Lovers In Japan/Reign Of Love: The first part of the song i.e. 'Lovers In Japan' I like a fair bit, the piano has a nice rolling play to it, so not a bad effort. As far as 'Reign Of Love' is concerned, this would be the calmest track on the album, well I say track. I prefer the second part of this song mainly because it's the calming song I can lay back and relax too when I have had an iffy day.
6) Yes: Oddly seeing as this song seems to be another case of forgetting to press the "stop" button between songs as it doesn't mention there being a second part to the song as is done so in Track 5. Anyway onto the song, the first part relates to me a little but I won't go into that, it's a slightly harsher song in terms of how the instruments are used. As for the second part of the song I can actually see why they didn't give it a name because it doesn't really deserve one. I like the guitar playing very much in this but it's another non-vocal song and tends to repeat itself a little too much.
7) Viva La Vida: Now I don't care what anyone says about this track but I love it. The violins are an excellent touch and the lyrics behind it are even better, so thankyou Mr Martin for deciding to work on the song instead of going to sleep that fateful night. This is the song on the album that I've wanted to go out and sing the most, but obviously I don't as I've no idea if I can actually sing or not, and that's saying something for me as 'Lost!' comes pretty damn close to being my favourite song on the album too.
8) Violet Hill: Was a good decision to use this to help the build-up of the album's release But I can't help it may not be much more than that. Don't get me wrong, the song is good. I like the song as a whole as you shouldn't be deterred by my previous comment about this song.
9) Strawberry Swing: Upon hearing this song I have now decided my absolute favourite songs on this album are 'Lost!', 'Viva La Vida' and this. It always gets my feet tapping when the intro plays and I'm not sure what effect that is at the start of the song but whatever it is it's done a great job. A good song for lovers in terms of the lyrics but in my case just makes me think of her and that's all I'll say about it.
10) Death And All His Friends: This song has both it's upsides and downsides, the upside being the instrumental performance of this song being above-par but the downside being I can't help but feel Mr Martin is in somewhat of a rush to fit the lyrics into one line during the mid-point of the song. Overall though it's not bad.

So that's my review done, comment if you disagree and I think I know of one person who's likely to disagree and he knows who he is.

Anyway as you may have noticed I've been rather down over these past days (except for tuesday that was just an amazing day, better if I had gotten to speak to her in person though), and I won't expand on it mainly because it's due to stupid, self-centered reasons and my emotions are insignifficant compared to people's present problems/situations.

Alas, I am ending this blog now. I'll see you lot soon.
*bows*

Current song playing: The Real Thing- You To Me Are Everything

"Though you're close to me, we seem so far apart. Maybe given time you'll have a change of heart."

Weird day today, I seemed to have experienced a somewhat spontaneous depression. I haven't had one of those in a while and I hope I don't have one again soon.

This combined with feeling a tad tired and not looking forward to work in the evening left me feeling rather odd, and you know what else odd I felt? I felt ordinary, and I don't mean as in normal because there's no such thing as normal it's just an invention of the majority of society to create a set style for people to follow but which is constantly changing.

Anyway, I speak of feeling ordinary but not only that, I felt like an also-ran, as if i was 'just another guy' who hangs about in the background and never gets noticed most of the time. I don't know this could be of my own invention or just a reflection of how slowly I seem to progress in life. Now before you get any ideas I have this to say:

It's not your fault.

I've had these kind of days before, but not for years, mainly between the end of Year 6 and early Year 10, but that was because I didn't have many people to call my friend and a lot of people were playing with my emotions. I was even sent to a counsellor but she didn't get to the root of the depressions, she had to leave for a different centre and I was left without a friend and no close to finding out what was wrong with me back then. Now however I haven't been having many at all so just give me hugs and have a chat and I'll be as right as rain. Especially if my love gives me a little cuddle, I'll be ever so grateful.

I'm sorry for acting so down to you, you came over to me to see how I was and I wanted to talk to you about how I was feeling but evidently it was not the right time to talk to you. I promise to talk to you about my problems when I next get the right chance to. It's the least I can do after what you've done for me.

Anyway being forced to redo my Key Skills work (which is preventing me from getting into A2 and I originally submitted it at Christmas and only now has my teacher told me to redo it), being pestered about my theory test for driving not only by Dad but now by Mum aswell who is telling me essentially that I need to get a move on, and being told to get a new job is probably not helping me relax when I want to now that I've gotten the chance.

So alas I must finish this post, I can't think of much more to say than that recently I had a dream and I want to talk to someone I trust about it because I don't know if I should have had it or not. Also I'm listening to the Russell Brand podcast, the latest one mind.

Now I fare the well, and for that special girl, I love you.

P.S. Can anyone who has subscribed to my blog feed or someone who regularly reads my blogs give me a comment on this because I want to get an idea on how many and who reads my blogs. Thankyou.

Current song playing: Jamiroquai- Cosmic Girl

"Sends me into hyperspace, when I see her pretty face"

Well here I am, free of exams and making the most of all the lie-ins I'm getting. Waking up at about 12:45pm gives you an idea of how much sleep I'm catching up eh?

I have had some really relaxing days though, and there's not much better than lying in your bed, watching Dr Who DVD's and talking to that ever so special girl. Oh and the odd cup of tea can't go amiss either.

Generally I'm feeling more at ease, don't know whether that's due to no more exams or whether I'm just feeling happier chatting to the girl I love more often and sharing what's troubling ourselves with eachother but what's for certain is that I'm thankful for that. If this is a sign of what's to come then I'm going to have a very good summer.

A quick message to those who ever told me to "get a life", well guess what? I've got one, and this summer is without doubt going to be the best one I've ever had. I've got all my friends, my love, the radio show, the vlog project, and all the park days I've had and am bound to have.

Yet I have two more weeks of this, I sense I'll probably be the peace maker while everyone around me goes crazy over their last exams, that actually doesn't sound like such a bad thing, will certainly give me a break from all my driving theory I'll be doing, my instructor has challenged me to be ready to take my test by June 16th so that'll be a mission.

Finally seeing as I can't seem to think of much more to write now I have a little message to send out, the right person who reads this will understand it.

It'll get easier, I know it may seem like it now but if you keep what makes you happy around you then that's all that matters. It's been an honour to be there for you and I hope to mean this much to you forevermore because you know what? It makes me so happy.

That's it I guess, with all this free time you can expect me to be posting more often but we'll soon see won't we?

Fare thee well, and I love you

Current song playing: Groove Armada- Crazy For you

What I'm dying to say,
is that I'm crazy for you,
Touch me once and you'll know it's true,
I never wanted anyone like this

Well if some of you are wondering where my blogs went well they're still here but as there are exams and whatnot on I haven't felt like I've had anything worth contributing to the world but nonetheless I thought I'd share something with you.

I'm going to keep a log of any dreams I experience in the hope I can find out anything about what I really feel about things or what influences me most. Anyway I shan't be posting them on here so I'll only post them if I think they're pretty darn interesting or mean something to me.

So here's an extract from one I had last Saturday night...

"Next I was in a giant theatre seating area with Dex, Fia and some other people when I needed to go to the toilet. I walked out towards the gent’s when this coloured guy looks at me funny and I said all I was doing was going to the toilet. Then suddenly me and Joy from My Name Is Earl are forced into the ladies toilet and Joy is forced into a room whilst I did my business and walked away. Somehow I then end up behind a bar on a stage when a female singer starts walking onto the stage and sings, she smiled at me and I smiled back. Then I see the crowd waving their arms from side to side, then I notice Fia seeing me do it and going “Aww”. Then I am in a park and I see Dex falling off a bike into a pool of mud and he hurt his arm."

I look forward to the summer and to the project I shall be a part of.

Current song playing: Elton John- Your Song

"How wonderful life is, when you're in the world"

It's amazing how the sun shining combined with just laying on the grass with your friends can just make a day feel so care-free. I've missed out on too much when I was in my old school, and you know what, I owe it all to those group of friendly lay-abouts I proudly call my friends. Some of them even best friends but I'll never be able to tell you who as I've never known what makes a best friend. I'll probably find out eventually just you wait.

The start of the standardised testing season began this week with a rolling start, turns out my revision was made redundant but the paper was simple enough so I can hardly complain.

A couple of revelations recently, 1) I'm unnaturally capable at "appearing from nowhere" behind my friends which I'm finding rather amusing & 2) I can do a better accent than I think I can, try me out on Welsh/Scottish for a start...I wonder what else I'll be able to imitate...

Anyway this has been a great day for me, I shall end this blog before something gets a chance to ruin it, pesky life whatever shall it do next eh?

I shall fare thee well and for that person I say I love you.

P.S. I was actually listening to my dear friend Fia on the piano before this song came on but it was too quick for me to post as the title, but nonetheless I recommend you listen to it if she ever sends you clips.

Current song playing: Klaxons- No Diggity

Well today I can say was a huge relief for me, I was foolish to start off the day with the old thought routine but thankfully I was able to have a great end to the day.

It was incredible, it was if a switch had flipped and all was good in the world again and I owe it all simply by being able to speak to her again, one minute I was shying away the next I was getting all chatty again. Oh what am I like sometimes...

Not only that but we have finally been graced with a beautifully sunny day and I can be sure we made the most of it lying in the daisies, speaking of which it was mighty impressive to have seen my love construct a daisy chain longer than an actual person, kudos to you my love you did a marvellous job (and thankyou for the smaller chain, I'm wearing it now as I'm typing this).

Pretty confident I managed to get a tan aswell, although I'm looking a tad burnt so might put on the magic anti-UV cream next time.

I was glad to have felt so relaxed and happy today, when that switch flipped it was as if all my problems could have chucked themselves off of a cliff for all I care and it's not that often I get to experience that. So a recommendation for whoever reads this and feels down, just get all your friends, go to the park on a sunny day and lie down amidst all the daisies and you'll feel much better. I know this from experience.

I owe a thankyou to my friends for giving me this wonderful afternoon, and to my love especially for triggering off this wonderful change. I feel so much at ease now so let's hope this continues while the sun still shines eh?

Anyway unless I can think of anything more to say in this I guess I better leave it at this, so cheerio and I'll see you next time.

Current song playing: Coldplay- Warning Sign

"And the truth is, I miss you"

That's basically how I'm feeling right now, not much more I can say to be honest.

I hope to see you soon...

Current song playing: The Feeling- Rose

Well here I am again, kind of breaking the rule of people asking me to write a blog but I guess I can't bear not being able to express myself.

Speaking of which, I am gradually realising how my words can affect people not in they way I'd like them to. It never makes me feel good to hear about someone not being themselves due to what I have said in here, it was never my intention to cause that. I just wanted others to understand how I feel about things in the hope they understand or can help me in case I can't help myself.

I'll admit something...I have Asperger's syndrome. I can't use this as an excuse for what I have said but I want you to know that I have always found it hard to say or do the right thing because of it. It hinders my ability to read social situations or peoples body language in the event of someone doing/saying something in a particular situation. But anyway if you want to know more about my Asperger's then you can either Google it or just feel free to ask me yourself, it would be nice to talk to you about it.

Anyway I have had a few niggling thoughts over these past few days, would probably be best to mention them but I shall try not to say anything untoward (feel free to correct me if I make any mistakes). I don't see the point in hiding people behind descriptive names so I'm just going to come out with it.

Cat, I am sorry to have been a bad influence to you recently, there probably are things in my blogs I shouldn't have said or said in a way that came across how I didn't want it to. I appreciate right now that you need some time for yourself so I'm going to just leave you to decide if and when you want to talk to me again. It would be an honour to speak to you. In the words of Outkast:
"I still get overwhelmed, when I look in your eyes"

Jo, I want to thankyou for lying with me on Thursday when I was crying my eyes out, I don't know many other people who'd be willing to spend so much time ensuring I was going to be OK and I apologise for making you cry as a result. You don't have to react that way over me and if I felt up to it at the time I would have made sure you felt better rather than the other way around.

Cathy, Lauren, it was extremely kind of you to see how I was and for talking to me about all this over the past couple of days. Your advice is well received and I shall keep it in mind.

Finally, just an apology to whoever I pissed off when they read my blogs. If there's anything in my blogs you don't like or want to comment on e-mail me at jimmyjojojimbobjunior01@hotmail.com if you don't fancy posting a public comment.

I'll see you soon

Current song playing: Coldplay- The Scientist

I should have known posting blogs about how I felt was going to wreak havoc, and it has so I can only say the following:

I'm sorry for those I made cry when they read my blogs
I'm sorry for those I made angry when they read my blogs
And I'm sorry for being nothing but trouble since I arrived

As of now I will probably only post blogs if people ask me to seeing as when I post a blog of my own free will I end up doing something bad.

Choose to interpret the following lyrics how you will, it's kind of how I'm feeling at the moment.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Comet tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Come tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
All in a rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start...

Fia, you say the most beautiful words

live for yourself... every day, every week, month and year. you'll regret, you'll be sad, you'll feel pain... but without those you wouldn't realise what happiness. small things will happen that tick you off to no end, small things will happen that make your heart feel so peaceful... would you want to miss those times? looking outside on trips and seeing mountains like you did, walking about seeing the sky, trees and flowers - petals falling like snow. meeting people, understanding people; good or bad... even if you think you should live for a person you love, and they just disregard yourself and carry on with life... carry on yourself. things not changing will hurt, you will think, you will feel sad and then think and also be confused sometimes, but there will be moments of peace. find them and just keep going. live each day as it comes, there'll be all sorts you might feel but you just gotta be strong for the chance of seeing stuff that'll make you smile even if it might hurt too. if you wish something yet you know it wont happen just look forward and be yourself and see what comes

Ski-ing in the Portes du Soleil

Well first off I can safely say that it was a great time that I had there, well worth the 12 or so hour journey to get there. I had to get up at about 4am on 16-2-2008 so we could catch the 8am Seacat no less from Dover to Boulogne in France. I wasn't too bad as I caught some sleep on the way over and I discovered that we were heading off from where the Top Gear crew launched their attempts at getting across the channel in the amphibious cars they made. Not too shabby methinks.

The crossing itself wasn't too bad but you could definitely notice the bobbing up and down on the sea which meant many people were finding it difficult to walk across the decks, some even tried getting drinks across. Surpisingly they managed to make it across the bows to their tables so embarassing moments avoided eh?

I spent most of the trip out on the deck looking around the channel, the sea was much bluer out there and it had gotten much smoother outside of the docks, it was calming just watching the sea go by, leaving old blighty behind and sailing for newer lands but I knew it wasn't going to be the same without my friends in the crew. But I was nonetheless determined to enjoy my holiday rather than wallow in any feelings I have and let them become the theme of my trip.

Anyway when I arrived in France I was rather bemused by all the random structures I found scattered across the ever so boring flatness of the French countryside, also France is a very industrial country, wherever there's a town there's either a hypermarket or an industrial estate pumping out some gas into the atmosphere. The only vaguely interesting things I saw all trip were this:

And this:

The wind farms were and impressive sight although my Dad was asleep when we drove past them, but it was good to see them in real life and they are HUGE, you never know how big until you drive right past them. Also when we were driving beyond Dijon we came across a sunset seeing as it was a very long journey so I thought I might share this with you aswell:

Anyway we arrived into mountains at the end of the trip and despite it being rather dark I was sure that I could see the rolling mountains and the valleys with the rivers flowing in the gaps, it was one of those situations where even if you couldn't see it visually you could trace the contours with your mind. Unfortunately things got a little less peaceful afterwards as we found it much harder to locate our chalet than we thought and the guy who was going to take us there wasn't answering his phone. Luckily though we stopped outside a church which as it turned out was a mere couple of minutes from where our chalet was, and what a chalet it was. Three floors, bedrooms on the top and bottom (4 of them were double bed and en suite) and living space was in the middle floor where there was a kitchen, balcony over the river and a living room with Sky (which had an expired card so we hardly got any channels) and wireless internet (but I had no laptop to take advantage of it).

Here's the little guided tour I did of my room...enjoy?

The video is pretty self explanatory except it didn't point out later flaws in the room, one being that the curtains weren't long enough and that there was obviously no sound proofing because I could hear EVERY car that drove past and some dogs pretty much every night when I tried to get to sleep.

Anyway, onto the ski-ing (sighs of relief not necessary). We went to the ski shop to rent our skis fairly early in the day, it was predicted that we would be able to get some ski-ing done more in the morning where there were less people crowding up the lifts/slopes. I can honestly say that it was indeed an interesting experience trying to walk around in ski boots, as grippy as they are on snow it feels like you're on stilts when walking on asphalt so icy patches were always going to be a concern.

You got some pretty good valley views when being lifted up (the resort we were at was called St Jean D'Aulps) and it provided an interesting view to see normal trees, then a band of snowy trees but then the higher it went up the trees went normal again but of course all the snow was on the ground.

But anyway I can't seem to be bothered to finish this lengthy tale because none of you seem to be interested in it, however if you have questions about my trip feel free to ask and I shall elaborate more in this blog.

See you when I see you.