I’m not sure why but I feel compelled to write about some things which have been going through my mind, not just about any random thing but I suppose you can get the gist of the subject after reading.
It’s been clear to me that I can get depressed a bit too easily sometimes, maybe too often aswell for my own good or for others to feel like I’m a happy enough person to hang around. It’s not something I want to expect to feel after every time I’m out with my friends be it clubbing or a party, which makes me feel all the more awkward when I do. After all I want to enjoy the time I spend with people, it’s been my objective this summer to be out with as many of my friends as often as I can so I have a plethora of memories and happy times to look back on.
I used to go through times where I got depressed for no reason at all, it would just creep up on me without warning. Didn’t feel good either that my Mum would repeatedly wonder if I was alright when I came back from school depressed despite nothing necessarily bad having happened to me that day. Admittedly there were times though college where those days would come back to haunt me, but I feel I have managed to escape the worst of those a while ago.
As pathetic as the following may sound, more often than not I felt that it was this underlying feeling of loneliness I seem to have follow me around that causes me to feel down. I shouldn’t do really, I have plenty of good friends who are there for me and a good family. Back in secondary school it was this loneliness combined with how unpopular I seemed to be that made me appreciative of any acts of kindness or conversation that I got from people, especially girls. That itself might not have been good for me, as for every girl that would regularly talk to and/or be nice to me I would hope that they liked me enough to want to be my girlfriend and of course I was mistaken in every case I had of it.
Once again I kind of feel like I’ve perhaps had that sort of experience happen to me through college and perhaps still am now, that in trying to ignore how many couples I happen to be around that I would wander what it would be like to be in a relationship with certain girls I know or want to get to know. But a good friend of mine said to me online recently that “I should remember when being nice is just being nice”, and I keep in mind what she said as a sort of wake-up call.
Speaking of clubbing though I have actually been out clubbing for the first time recently and what a night that was, it was great to be out in that kind of atmosphere with my friends and I hope to be out again soon. I was left with some questions though, part way through the night a mutual friend of mine and the people I was with at the nightclub joined us on the dancefloor and we were all happy to see her. Over time her and I got dancing together and we got close, now I don’t know if that’s just normal etiquette in that environment or whether she was enjoying dancing with me, and she was looking at me in a certain way which almost said “well what are you waiting for?”. But then shortly after I discovered she had found another guy to dance with and get close to so I was left wondering if I had just missed an opportunity.
Apologies though if through what I have said I either come across as desperate or ungentlemanly, it’s just like I mentioned earlier in that I am grateful for any sort of contact or attention a girl gives me and in the spirit of the saying “life is for living” that I should perhaps make the most of an opportunity rather than be left like I was thinking about what could have been.
Putting what I have said aside, there is one girl who I know that I really do like at the moment. I can hardly find the words to describe how amazing she is, to me she has the likeness of an angel, one of the sweetest hearts you’ll ever find and well whenever I’m around her she makes me very happy indeed. Though I’m unsure if she knows this, even though I have sent her a message to her inbox confessing how I feel for her but perhaps she either doesn’t check it or has read it but doesn’t want to do anything about it.
I don’t think I have anything else I can say, apart from thankyou for reading.
P.S. If you noticed the names in the tags section, think carefully if you try to match them to what I've typed