Current song playing: 4Music presents Coldplay

It's been a while since I wrote a post about a dream I had but I thought a dream I had a couple of nights ago would be worth writing about.

I was sitting in the crowd inside my secondary school's drama hall next to Fia when a performance that we had gone to see together started up. I can't really remember what it was about but I was just enjoying the experience of going to see something with a close friend of mine, then a bit of a surprise occured when Fia stood up and made her way towards the stage which bemused me a little. Oddly though the performers were moving about in a way that they expected Fia to go onto the stage and even the music in the background was building up to a gap where someone would start singing. Surely enough Fia then walked up to the microphone and started singing, and my goodness she was good. I'm not saying this because of personal opinion (even though I bet Fia is a better singer than she makes out to be in real life) because I remember that when she was singing I thought to myself "this is just beautiful". It turned out that she was actually part of the performance all along so that was a pleasant surprise, but it invoked such admiration of her from me when I was listening to her so I waas glad to have enjoyed it.

So anyway that was my dream, hope you all had a good weekend.

If there was a song playing it'd wake my Mum up as it's nearly midnight...

Are you participating in something that is likely to hurt someone?
Well that's open to debate, I'd call it "life", and more often than not I'd say the person most likely to be hurt is me.

Do you really have to be with someone if you are single?
Just because you're single doesn't make it compulsory to get with someone no matter how many people you know are in relationships. It's just getting hard for me a lot of the time having a nearly overwhelming sensation of lonliness creeping over me when I'm trying to enjoy the time I spend around people. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone but as they say beggars can't be choosers.

Does it really matter what you look like?
Bit of an ambiguous question, I've never cared too much on my appearance to others, which is ironic seeing as I'm rather self-concious(sp?) of all my actions and what I say to other people. I've just never felt the need to settle into a specific "style", I see clothes, clothes fit, I buy clothes, as long as it's not pink or yellow I'm fine but that's down to personal preference of colours. Whether there are a lot of people out there willing to judge someone on their fashion sense or whatever appears on their body remains to be seen. Who knows I may just be rambling here.

How many people do you ignore?
I ignore people who I know present me the risk of having them bully me or just those who make me feel bad. I try to get around earlier said lonliness problem by looking away if I see people get intimate, not because I don't like them but so that I can spare myself another afternoon of gradual depression. Frankly I'd prefer not to ignore anyone so I can speak to people and make as many friends as I can.

How often do you make something feel irrelevant?
Sorry I don't quite know how to answer that, probably just me being dumb.

Do you really need to affect other peoples lives?
It's not a question of needing to affect others lives, I'm a rather reserved person and don't really go up to people much that much is a given. But we all affect other peoples lives whether we want to or not, anything we say or do or think affects how we react or feel about people and it's because we're all individuals and there's too many variables in life to try and minimise the effect on other people without completely shutting ourselves off.

Sorry if this has been a waste of your time readers.

Current song playing:...well there isn't one this time.

I actually thought today wa going to be a good day, driving up to college on my own for the first time and having a laugh with friends about Porsche's new "Doppelkupplung". All new and pwerful providing thrust just when you need it.

Then of course it went downhill pretty much from 3pm. After feeling tired for most of the day I ended up getting so depressed I had to spend the first 20 minutes of my Maths lesson in the toilets as I was in tears. To top it off I don't even know why I felt like it, guess I have to officially declare I'm back to how I felt most of the time in secondary school, I hoped this wouldn't happen ever since I met my new great friends.

Still depressed now, don't know whether that's because I was invisible today or not that remains to be seen I guess.

Hope you all have good weekends, I probably won't at this rate.

Current song playing: Jonathan Coulton- Drinking With You

"My heart stops in a panic, when I think of how it would feel to finally hold your hand"


My oh my, we haven't seen eachother for a few weeks now have we blogger?

I have to say though it has been a good weekend for me, I mean a dinner out with my great friends can only be a good thing and it certainly was. A steak, conversations and great Sex (On The Beach) combined with a bit of Blackjack was a lovely meal. If a bit expensive.

Tell you what got a great chance to burn it off acting nonchalantly in the park and running off towards the station to catch the last train home, well not me personally but it would have been rude to let them run off by themselves into the dark. The stitch was worth it. Also as if my night couldn't get any better a little 'love-in' shall we call it was a lively end to the night, Imi being the main benefactor I would think =] (hello there if you're reading this, you're not the only one who hasn't blogged for a while it would seem).

So thankyou for inviting me, the start to that day wasn't exactly great and I was stuck with Maths papers to do which is as we know is a great way to cure my depression(!) Seriously though I really want to thank all of you for a great night. Possible lack of funds maybe not allowing us to do it as often as we'd like, weather permitting.

Alas, that brings me onto tonight/today/11th November 2008.
Thankfully I didn't get sacked, so I'm still in with a job until it gets quiet and overtime becomes unavailable then I'm out of there. It helped a little to raise me out of the currently turbulent mood I'm in, well not exactly turbulent I'd say more brinking on happiness to be talking to the people who mean so much to be/mild depression due to lonliness nearly cried a couple of times today mixed with a little bit of tired. That and chats I've had with Fia over the days http://horrendousblah.wordpress.com/ for proof of that.

I shouldn't feel like this really, I mean an iffy mood doesn't help when I'm trying to do Physics work, it's just a little bit pathetic of me to feel lonely. I've been through it all in my head several times but it's still there, the cowering man sitting opposite to the frustrated man slamming his fists on the table telling him to get over himself.

I thought there were a couple of avenues open to me but gradually over the past couple of days they slowly got sealed off from me but anyway I shouldn't rant on too much about things I already have. As I read somewhere:

"Don't compromise yourself, You're all you've got".

That should have been my motto throughout secondary school, hell it should be my motto now. It appears I can find a way to gradually screw myself over at ever stage of my life, even if I can't see it happening at the time.

There were a few comforting moments to help ease me out of my mood, mainly hugs if I'm honest courtesy of Jess and, well I'm going to put a little revelation here. The person I've written under the pseudonym 'her' in my labels section is Cat, and I don't know if it's my place to say this but just the hug and that you asked if I felt ok was comforting beyond belief for me today. It felt like something great that I hadn't felt for some time just rushed up to greet me again and it was wonderful. As for Jess well it is always marvellous to be able to hug you, makes me smile more often than not, but I'll always have this feeling that I'm not the first guy you'd go to for a hug, but that's my problem not yours.

I guess that's all I have to say for now, apologies for upsetting the probably >4 readers I still have on this thing with my less-than-perky return.

Oh and another revelation I think worth sharing, this is to you Fia if you still remember it.

The Emerald Lady was you, I only just realised it.