Current song playing: Jonathan Coulton- Drinking With You

"My heart stops in a panic, when I think of how it would feel to finally hold your hand"


My oh my, we haven't seen eachother for a few weeks now have we blogger?

I have to say though it has been a good weekend for me, I mean a dinner out with my great friends can only be a good thing and it certainly was. A steak, conversations and great Sex (On The Beach) combined with a bit of Blackjack was a lovely meal. If a bit expensive.

Tell you what got a great chance to burn it off acting nonchalantly in the park and running off towards the station to catch the last train home, well not me personally but it would have been rude to let them run off by themselves into the dark. The stitch was worth it. Also as if my night couldn't get any better a little 'love-in' shall we call it was a lively end to the night, Imi being the main benefactor I would think =] (hello there if you're reading this, you're not the only one who hasn't blogged for a while it would seem).

So thankyou for inviting me, the start to that day wasn't exactly great and I was stuck with Maths papers to do which is as we know is a great way to cure my depression(!) Seriously though I really want to thank all of you for a great night. Possible lack of funds maybe not allowing us to do it as often as we'd like, weather permitting.

Alas, that brings me onto tonight/today/11th November 2008.
Thankfully I didn't get sacked, so I'm still in with a job until it gets quiet and overtime becomes unavailable then I'm out of there. It helped a little to raise me out of the currently turbulent mood I'm in, well not exactly turbulent I'd say more brinking on happiness to be talking to the people who mean so much to be/mild depression due to lonliness nearly cried a couple of times today mixed with a little bit of tired. That and chats I've had with Fia over the days http://horrendousblah.wordpress.com/ for proof of that.

I shouldn't feel like this really, I mean an iffy mood doesn't help when I'm trying to do Physics work, it's just a little bit pathetic of me to feel lonely. I've been through it all in my head several times but it's still there, the cowering man sitting opposite to the frustrated man slamming his fists on the table telling him to get over himself.

I thought there were a couple of avenues open to me but gradually over the past couple of days they slowly got sealed off from me but anyway I shouldn't rant on too much about things I already have. As I read somewhere:

"Don't compromise yourself, You're all you've got".

That should have been my motto throughout secondary school, hell it should be my motto now. It appears I can find a way to gradually screw myself over at ever stage of my life, even if I can't see it happening at the time.

There were a few comforting moments to help ease me out of my mood, mainly hugs if I'm honest courtesy of Jess and, well I'm going to put a little revelation here. The person I've written under the pseudonym 'her' in my labels section is Cat, and I don't know if it's my place to say this but just the hug and that you asked if I felt ok was comforting beyond belief for me today. It felt like something great that I hadn't felt for some time just rushed up to greet me again and it was wonderful. As for Jess well it is always marvellous to be able to hug you, makes me smile more often than not, but I'll always have this feeling that I'm not the first guy you'd go to for a hug, but that's my problem not yours.

I guess that's all I have to say for now, apologies for upsetting the probably >4 readers I still have on this thing with my less-than-perky return.

Oh and another revelation I think worth sharing, this is to you Fia if you still remember it.

The Emerald Lady was you, I only just realised it.

Current song playing: Flow- GO!!

"We are Fighting Dreamers, with these best friends
Fighting Dreamers, swallowing up everything
Fighting Dreamers, with high ambitions"

Thought I might just write down some things that have happened to me, now don't worry it's not going to be me moaning and whatnot. Bear with me and you might like reading this.

Yesterday after college had finished I went into town with the Gavner, Muffin and the abolsutely fascinating Fia and we were walking through the park (well Fia was on her bike but I digress) to go into town. Looking at the sky I had one of my ever-occurring moments where I look at the sky and find myself in awe of the cloud patterns in the sky, it was all wispy and smooth, but not only that I also happened to glance at the Sun where I noticed a small glowing orb next to it. Thinking it was just something on my shades manipulating the light I took them off only to find the orb was still there, and what was interesting about it was that it was red on the right side, blue on the left and green in the middle.

Then of course I realised I was fortunate enough to have spotted a 'sun-dog', famous for having appeared either side of the Sun on the circumference of the upside-down rainbow, and of course I stopped to admire it. Never thought I'd be able to see those in real life, and if that wasn't enough when I walked further into the park I saw the other 'sun-dog' aswell. Very glad to have seen that, certainly proved to be a great end to my day aswell as explaining Unforgotten Realms references to Fia with Gav, felt good being considered more entertaining than the actual programme =]

Today also brought about some fanciful scenery for me to admire as I was out driving for my Pass Plus session, which was a big success so I'm quite pleased about that. The fact that it was a glorious sunny day helped a lot to make it literally a beautiful day for me, not a single cloud in the sky. I drove down to Folkstone (I think that's what the place was called) which is near Dover right on the coast and while I was eating my lunch during our break it was calming to look out to the water. Seeing a giant tanker float by in the distance and the little boats in the harbour bob up and down wasn't too bad either.

When I was driving back up from Folkstone a load of clouds had decided to crash the party, but thankfully they created some interesting shapes. The best shape I saw was nearly the exact rendition of the head of a dragon Fia once drew and it didn't look out of place floating in the sky, growing ever larger the further along the motorway I went. Later on towards the end of my session I was driving through Sevenoaks and a village called "Seal", yes that's right, where seeing as it's autumn time of course all the leaves are taking charity parachute jumps out of their trees, so when I was going thorugh the country lanes there was a swirl of green/yellow/brown surrounding me and I just couldn't help but think how pretty it all looked.

So alas that will be the end of my tale, apologies if I weirded you out or made no sense at all but I just felt like writing this.

See you soon.

Current song playing: Bill Martin- The Man Who Throws The Tetris Piece

"You see no-one can defeat the man who throws the tetris piece"

Nothing too special to post today, except that I have personally had a rather good day today and had a load of fun!

• Messing about in Physics with no teacher amongst Becky and Lozza and Matt
• Seeing how much stuff we could fit into Gav's diabolo (2 coke caps, a paperclip and a AAA battery I believe)
• Bringing in my chain chomp and volley-balling it around the quad.
• Pretending the chomp was my head and being guided round the english classes to the hilarious bemusement of many English students (saw photos which were really funny!)
• Walking about the college with Fia talking about loads of stuff and just generally having a really enjoyable time around her.
• Seeing Jo so happy after recieving the birthday portrait I drew for her (it's reactions like this that keep me going, made me very happy to see her smile!)

Anyway that's all I have to offer you I guess today, not feeling bad about myself and just pleased at a happy day.

Hope to see you all soon.

Current song playing: Feeder- Somewhere To Call Your Own

"I know that I've made mistakes don't get me wrong"

Actually been a rather decent day for me, at least it properly got good since I got home as I'm pleased to deliver the news to my limited audience that my inflatable chain chomp is back! I'll be trying to bring it into college as soon as I can hopefully so I can keep it inflated permanently to share the fun amongst my dear friends.

Speaking of which I'm going to be unoriginal and launch out some statements to some people I know in the hope they can understand something or other so here goes:

• I don't mean to confuse you so much when I talk to you, I just get nervous trying to think of stuff to talk about and end up spurting random rubbish to you. I just like talking to you a lot and don't want to end up starting dead convos all the time to try and seem an interesting person to you, but when you do start up conversations with me I am grateful that you do.
• I'm sorry for doing some things that have been a bit appropriate between two people of conflicting circumstances. I have said and done a few things I shouldn't and ought to know better, I'm just grateful for any attention you pay to me that's all. I'll stay away for a bit if my actions make you uncomfortable.
• A piece of me will always love you, but if I'm honest I think some of me has just given up on the chance of someone liking me and I guess now I just have to get on with life being the somewhat distinctly average and uninteresting person I must be to people. If anyone does see me as the kind of person they want to be with I guess I should just be grateful. But by no means consider this your fault, you're one of if not the best people I've ever had the pleasure to meet and my life, as hard as this may be to believe, would have been worse off not having met you.

Anyway not much important stuff to say then, just thought I'd put some stuff out there that has been playing on my mind.

See you soon.

Current song playing: Feeder- Itsumo

"Too many times I watched you leave, I didn't say anything"

Not much to report on in terms of interesting things that have happened to me over the past few days, I just felt like writing this poem. It doesn't have a title yet so feel free to suggest one:

This is to the girl who got away
That I shared my first kiss
Who couldn't face me that fateful day
And required another to break us up.

This is to the girl who moved away
That I had little courage to speak to
Who was gone that fateful day
And I'm unable to lay eyes her again.

This is to the girl who got taken away
That was my only friend
Who got kidnapped that fateful day
And left me alone once more.

This is to the girl who lives far away
That made the time I spent with her joyful
Who never knew I wanted her that fateful day
And who I hope to meet again.

This is to the girl who took my breath away
That introduced herself to me like no-one else
Who taught me what it was to love that fateful day
And will never be forgotten.

This is to the girl who will love me one day
That will make me happy
Who I will endeavour to do the same
And be at peace with the world.

Thankyou for reading.

Current song playing: Kaiser Chiefs- Try Your Best

"So try your best

And think about it later

Or you will never know"

Good evening on this blustery cold (summers?) evening.

Despite the weather conditions in Brighton being on a par with the monsoon that was the last time we went down there I enjoyed myself a fair bit more I have to be honest.

Didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked but weather didn't help but batteries are being great at losing their charge within hoursn, with minimal usage, of being removed from the bosom that is the National Grid. But I digress.

I'll list down the highlights here as I find it easier to remember somehow but feel free to ask more about it, would love someone to talk to right now.

• Musing with Gav on my steel drum from Antuiga, working on how to work out how to play songs on it which should be great. He recommended I try being the drummer on a game called "Rock Band" too which I look forward to trying.
• Somehow fitting into the Brighton scene even whilst wearing my black-and-white-hat-shaped-no-eyed-spider of a ski hat.
• Trying to take pictures of us on the escalators in Primark.
• Savouring the taste of Mountain Dew.
• Watching a guy in "Oddballs" completely master the yo-yo and diabolo right in front of Dex and Gav while they watched on in awe mixed with shame (:P)
• Meeting and acquiring a delightful small rubber ducky named Jasmine (due to eyelashes).
• The hugs ^^.
• Seeing the self-titled Boop and Koop dressed up in skinny jeans and corsets, they looked rather fetching =] (in a im-not-trying-to-flirt-with-peoples-girlfriends-just-complimenting-their-looks kind of way *phew*)
• Going barefoot into the water with Lizzie and Shelle even though the beach was pointy of my feet (no needles don't worry)
• Watching Hannah go hyper on Mountain Dew.
• Finding caramel chews in dice containers with Japanese caligrophy on them...for 30p!
• Running after Shelle to get her onto the train in time for home.
• Finding a post which had a poem written in a sprial downwards so I read it, out loud whilst spinning round it and inadvertedly getting in loads of peoples ways. Quite funny looking from where Gav and Lizzie were standing, especially with my hat =]

Anyway if any of the people who went to Brighton with me (Fia/Lizzie/Shelle/Cat/Boop/Dex/Gav/Matt/Hannah/Imi/Cathy/Gemma) then feel free to share them with me be it in picture form or not =]

See you soon my friends.

Current song playing: Coldplay- Talk

"So you don't know where you're going

But you want to talk

And you feel like you're going where you've been before

You'll tell anyone who will listen but you feel ignored

Nothing's really making any sense at all

Let's talk, Let's talk"


Nothing really important to mention here, feeling dissapointed but I won't go into that, I just felt like doing Lizzie's literary challenge.


As is the standard I'll highlight the randomly selected words in italics, so here below stands by poem...

Expressing my thoughts is not my forte
I find it too challenging
The troubles I have to find the right words
They just keep on duplicating

When I speak from the heart
I find it hard not to mumble
Could be lack of self-esteem, or just about anything
It always leads me to crumble

"I feel like my heart is on life support"
To myself I once said
Every so often with brief hope it rebuilds itself
Only to be broken again along with the hope once in my head
All this leads is to is for people to derive

That my emotions are too wild
In a social world I cannot survive
Their observations often match my own

On my own...it's what I always am isn't it?

There you go, it was a depressing poem I know but it was all I could do with this.

Hope I haven't ruined your day.