Current song playing: Gilbert O'Sullivan- Alone Again, Naturally

"It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world that can’t be mended

Left unattended

What do we do?

What do we do?"

Here I am again with another post, deary me.

Today was, well interesting would be a good word for it. Started off well enough but gradually throughout the day some realisms came to me that kept me planted on planet Earth.

I felt alone today if I'm honest, which is a cruel irony seeing as I was surrounded by good friends and I wouldn't have wanted to do anything else today than hang with them, but I couldn't help but just think of pairs everywhere and sudden revelations that made me feel guilty of actions that I may have been best not to have done in the knowledge that I had this evening.

Tell you what though I was very glad not to be abandoned to endure half an hour of standing in the pouring rain waiting for my bus to take me home, I would have probably gotten really down after doing that.

Had a few primary thoughts run across me tonight, mainly how in the grander scheme of things for people to be happy my happiness has to be paid off. I've seen so many things and had so many things happen to me that ultimately end with me feeling bad so that others can feel happy so it must be the status quo or something. Faith as a whole has never been my forte, I've never really believed in my ability to do near enough anything either due to low self-esteem or just a general lack of being able to do it.

The following is probably going to sound idiotic. I've been fortunate enough to have made brilliant friends, people who have fought to keep me happy in my most depressing days and who take the time to make simple gestures to make me feel better. I have a decent enough life what with the money I earn and the stuff I'm priveliged to own but I can't help but feel that something is a bit off. People I have met online or in person tell me of the great qualities of a person that I am and I've been flattered to hear it but in spite of all this I haven't felt much like I'm trusted as a person.

There must be something I'm doing wrong, something about the way I think/talk or actions I have commited that people find unsavoury about my demeanour. Something must be justifying what has gone wrong in my life and what I find hard to achieve where others have glided effortlessly, and I have spent a fair amount of my life trying to figure out what it is.

You know what I need?

I need someone to get inside my head, give me an outside perspective on who I am and what makes me do what I do because clearly I am useless at trying to do that myself. So I must apologise for this post perhaps being the most incompetent piece of self-doubting pessimistic dribble you've ever read as it seems clear to me I don't know how to work myself out.

So to sum me up I'm a driver who can't work a car, the loudmouth who doesn't know how to shut up and the man who won't stop fighting the losing battle.

Anyhoos I may end up regretting the posting of this blog but I want to finish with a quote a dear friend of mine sent to me:

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." ~Daniel L. Reardon

P.S. I'm sorry.