Current song playing: Coldplay- X&Y

"Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan

When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can"

My this blog has gone cold from neglect, I shall aim to warm it some more with a nice cup of Jasmine tea...shall have to pop back to the Steyning Tea Houses...maybe take someone with me *ponders*

Anyway I haven't really had anything significant to blog about recently and thus not felt like wasting peoples time by typing dribble but tonight fingers have come to keys and after talking to people (both meaning a lot to me) I've felt compelled to write.

I've been doubting myself recently, a lot in fact. I've grown nervous around the people who mean the most to me not only in person but online and not knowing what to type to keep them interested and having the confidence to type/talk slowly shrink away into seclusion or a feeling of "they wouldn't want to talk to me anyways".

I got shown some videos by someone recently and aside from being interesting in the way of showing how big space is and having some incredibly large figures, it made me think a little but probably not what I was supposed to. I doubted myself again to my worth as a person or to other's time even though it was supposed to make me feel great about myself and I apologise to Lizzie for not being as upbeat as I was supposed to be and being a pessimist toward myself.

Having getting over the nervousness of talking to people and trying to get conversations going though proved slightly easier for me recently as they've actually made me feel better just by talking to me and making me think that maybe I am interesting enough to make their time spent talking to me worthwhile.

What I have found the most confusing personally is when I try and explain my doubts or weird feelings I stumble and think to myself "I don't actually know" so it then gets me thinking as to why the hell I am thinking all this and that I should just grow up and be happy with what I have, yet I've not the will-power to do so it would seem.

Nonetheless I guess it's been a mental "what-the-hell" type thing going on for me but I just want to extend some thanks for some little things that have been good for me recently:

To Fia: For the walks in the woods, the chats online about many goods & all the laughs we had
To Lizzie: For the reassuring beliefs, the consoling of my griefs & the cute dp of an orange
To her: For simply responding, to leave me wondering, of when we will meet again.

Sleep well my friends.